Response...

My post yesterday impelled Angelique to respond...

Which was a lovely gift, because her expression of caring and concern in turn solidified some thinking/feeling, settled an ambivalence I had been feeling about the journey as it's been unfolding...

Angelique said...

Plan "B" ... is more I think ... we'll see how it goes form here ... ;)

 

Hope you can make a decission because what I read out of your story ..... well ..... you aren't doing well.

 

Moving house again and again...having no place of your own.

 

Could you have a place of your own Down Under? Or would you be in the same situation?

 

Take care. Wish I could help you...

 

 

Sahila said...

Angelique..... thank you so much for your response and for your caring....

 

Whenever I get on my "pity-pot" and feel sorry for myself and my son, I remind myself of all the blessings we do have, and that the NOW is all there is - I/we could be dead in the next minute...

 

In the NOW, we have absolutely everything we need - people who love us, a warm, dry roof over our heads, clothes/shoes to wear, food to eat, even a vehicle with enough petrol in the tank to get us to wherever we want to go today...

 

We have far more even than that - we have toys, books, music, film/videos, a computer, the internet and choice...

 

I have a good brain, am able to articulate and write what I think and feel and KNOW and (still) have some freedom to express that...

 

All of which is much, much more than most of the world's other people have... So, in the NOW - which is all there really is - what have I got to bitch about? Any complaining I do, is ingratitude...

 

It's funny, because the Tarot card for yesterday (when I wrote this post), which I didn't look at till this morning, was the 5 of Pentacles and the interpretation that came with it was this:

 

"The Five of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in DEFIANCE. We are willing to reject the sure thing or accept excommunication to try to make it on our own rather than endure the status quo or submit to conditions that assume we are invisible -- in this, we have nothing to lose. We accept responsibility for the difficulties ahead and do not seek pity for having chosen against the grain. I am empowered by mutual support and my assets are self-worth, hope, and pride." ...

 

I'm finding my way to a new place in life - as we all are, which is manifesting right now in the #Occupy movement that is spreading across the US and internationally...

 

And that new place is about not having any attachment to situation, places, things... but living in the NOW and our primary relationships being with people and other creatures and the planet...

 

Everything else is a distraction...

 

And my difficulty has been stepping fully into that space - the spirit is willing but the ego is weak, or rather, strong! - and taking my son into that world with me...

 

I've been feeling ambivalence about taking him so far out of the mainstream - which is the only path that FEELS right for me - and a fear that I am not giving him the values, tools and place he needs to operate in the current paradigm...

 

And as I write this, and I "feel" it and I look back on how far I have already come, I realise that he's my son and came into my life at this time in my evolution because this is his journey too... he needs me to make way for him into the new future so many of us are working for...

 

It's no longer the world for which I raised my other children... My son - and his generation - will be growing into a new world, that the #Occupy advocates are working on creating now... and he and I are part of that...

 

If I/we could be with them in New York, I/we would be...

I'm filled with excitement and anticipation at where this path is taking us... even though I have no clear sense of where/how that is/will be!

 

 

"The Five of Pentacles is often understood as a perilous Tarot card, signifying a tough time, financial hardship and struggle.

 

The Five of Pentacles recalls the ups and downs of our relationships. All couples have their biorhythms, so to speak. When the Five of Pentacles appears, it suggests things are tough but you can weather the storm. These struggles are precisely the moments that define you as a couple. That with the bitter comes the sweet. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

 

The beauty and hope thriving within the Five of Pentacles card comes via the bright light shimmering through the stained glass window above the couple. Salvation is possible should they choose to seek it.

 

Should the the Five of Pentacles appear for you and you happen to be going through a tough time, let it stand as a reminder things will get better. You will make it through stronger, tougher and wiser..."

 

~ Tarot Diva - Five Of Pentacles

 

 

 

 

Plan "A" Isn't Going To Plan & Plan "B" Is Nowhere To Be Seen!

I've noticed that a lot of people have been checking the post titled "Plan A"...

Plan A

And I notice Plan A was written 9 months ago, today!!!

9 months' gestation and what do I have to show for the pregnancy?

Definitely not the "baby" Plan A was intended to give birth to!

What have I/we been doing?

• Turned 53 and boy turned 8; girls turned 31 and 29 respectively

• Moved house again TWICE with a third move coming up ASAP

First move (March) was necessary because things were not going well in the house-sharing situation, due to conflict and senior house-mate being diagnosed with terminal cancer and dying (written about here and here)!

Lucky enough to immediately score a house-sitting gig for four months... 

Owners of first house came back for the summer, which made a second move necessary...

Second move (July) we were trial-running the idea of co-housing/intentional community...

Three adults, three boy children (aged 5, 7 and 8), three cats, three hens, one rooster and two frogs (now deceased!) all sharing a three bedroom house...

Interesting experience... can't give it a "quality" label - it just is...

Seeing an only child mix with two siblings who are very different in energy and temperament...

Experiencing two women, separated in age by a whole generation, sharing a kitchen and laundry and child care/supervision...

Watching house cat and interlopers dance/skirmish around territory issues (like the two women and the children)...

Watching the male adult act as go-between in the dynamic...

Finally having a discussion about where everyone's at, and acknowledging that one of the women needs her own space and family's privacy back... 

So we need to find somewhere else to be while we figure out whether to stay here or go back to Australia...

Will be fourth move in a year - hence very little excitement and enthusiasm!

• Won a 3-day, 2-night sail on a Tall Ship - the Adventuress - out of Friday Harbour in the San Juans - a late birthday gift for the boy, who wouldn't admit he was having fun until the second day, and when he's mad at me, still says it was a horrible experience ... I thought it was great!   Seven years in the US and we haven't been to the islands nor more than about 100 miles in any direction from Seattle... 

• Two days into the new school year, took boy out of school and we are now "unschooling"... 

Four things happened in those two days that convinced me that what I had been contemplating for the past couple of years was the right thing to do... 

Boy much happier, doesn't miss it, starting to get some initiative happening over what he wants to do, friends say they've never seen him so relaxed and outgoing...

I need to fine-tune how I do my day, so that I give him more time and attention and we do more things together...

• Spent most of the past 9 months working on social justice/change issues... been quite successful, judging by some of the response:

• Was offered a job as campaign manager for someone wanting to be elected to the local school board...

Thought it would be cool and fun and easy (using all my skills) and worthwhile...

Schoolhouse - OUR House:

Learning Together in Truth, Trust and Transparency

Three weeks later (this week) - fired myself...

Here's why:

"Hi M....

I've been sitting on this for a while and today is the day I had to make a choice...

I'm sorry, but I can't work on this campaign after all (and it's very hard to say that, given that I like you, I want S out of the District AND we really, really NEED the money, especially now)...

I haven't been able to do my best work for you, apart from coming up with your mission/value tagline and starting on your social media stuff...

None of this work should be a big deal for me, but it has been...

I have been trying to figure out why over the past week...

First I thought I was pissy because there were too many fingers in the pie and it's all very disorganised and its so hard to get to any outcomes

Then I thought it was because I was feeling like you couldn't let go and let me do my job and you were not listening to/accepting my expertise

Then I thought that me being a paid employee was getting in the way - I don't do well in hierarchies where my 3D/financial survival depends on me doing what I am told/delivering an agreed outcome...

But none of that is true, because I have delivered amazing work for clients/employers under all of these conditions...

Then I thought it was me being lazy and wanting money for nothing(!!!) and/or that I was too overwhelmed with my own stuff to have any energy left over for this project...

Today, I finally realised that I can't/won't do this work because it still perpetuates the current system operating in the world, and I am now so completely un-aligned with that, that it pains me to even try to work for/in this paradigm...

I have taken C out of school because I disagree what our education system does to our kids... and yet in helping you, I am helping to perpetuate that system...   You and the other Board members might make things better than they are now, but you will not fundamentally change how we treat children and how we prepare them for life...

Buckminster Fuller said you cant fix a system by changing it... that you have to create a system that runs alongside it that will gradually overtake/replace the obsolete system...

I need to be working to pull down the old and build something completely new, as the Wall Street Occupiers are doing - working in a completely different paradigm...

I am sorry for any inconvenience and disruption my decision causes, and if this leaves you feeling abandoned...

I will call you tomorrow morning (Friday) to give us both a chance to get to closure on this...

Thanks for giving me the chance to clarify even further where I need to be putting my energies...

Namaste

Sahila

• Still doing the dance with boy's father over money (father not paying) and visitation (boy won't go) - seriously not fun

• Still having issues with procrastination/lack of motivation, feelings of overwhelm and not knowing what to do for the best - trying to live Rainer Maria Rilke's advice about living our way to the answers

So - there you have it... an abbreviated recap of a rich, intense, full journey and not one step closer to being back in Australia...

Learning, growing, maybe becoming wiser...

LYRICS:

Daylight
See the dew on the sunflower
And a rose that is fading
Roses whither away
Like the sunflower
I yearn to turn my face to the dawn
I am waiting for the day . . .

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Every streetlamp
Seems to beat a fatalistic warning
Someone mutters
And the streetlamp gutters
And soon it will be morning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I musn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is

Look
A new day has begun

What's next Universe, seeing I don't have a Plan B?

NOW...

OK Creation...

You know the who's, the what's, the why's, the how's of everything that has led up to this time/place/situation...

"... So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened..." 

~ Luke 11:9-12

NOW I'm asking...

... and NOW is a very good time for you to deliver (in whatever way you see fit!)... 

... As Lesley used to say: "the place, the people, the resources we need, need us..."

Tribal Web...

"Hey, do you know something? You and I, all of us, are members of one family, we are sisters and brothers, and we are going to sink or swim, together." 

~ Archbishop Desmond Tutu

LYRICS:

Where there's a music should be coming out of every car
There is a silence all over downtown
Where community celebration should be aroused
Life is on empty, Life is on pause

(Here it is)
No can do this!
No can do that!
What the hell can you do, my friend?
In this place that you call your town

(Here it is)
No can do this!
No can do that!
What the hell can you do, my friend?
In this place that you call your town

I guess you can't expect much from the hometown
Well I don't know if you can even call it your own
When they don't want you to get near excitement
In respect of that you just stay home

(Here it is now)
No can do this!
No can do that!
What the hell can you do, my friend?
In this place that you call your town

No can do this!
No can do that!
What the hell can you do, my friend?
In this place that you call your town

On intersection of all dimensions
Where I was stopping by just for a drink
I meet a brother from tribal connection!
And together we began to sing
We going to turn frustration into inspiration
Whatever demons are there, we going to set them free
Such is the method of tribal connection
Of our fun-loving, restless breed
Cus' I want to walk this earth like it is mine (It is MINE MINE MINE MINE!)
And so is everyone in our fun-loving tribe
Come on man, is it really so much to ask
From all these goddamn nazi-fuedals
But I'm going to take it to community
Because I want everyone to see
There never was any conspiracy
And we are all here simply to say, NOW!

No can do this!
No can do that!
What the hell can you do, my friend?
In this place that you call your town
No can do this!
No can do that!
What the hell can you do, my friend?
In this place that you call your town

Where there's a music should be coming out of every car
There is a silence all over downtown
Where community celebration should be aroused
Life is on empty, Life is on pause

(Only intersection semi-alive
Outskirts are sedated, be gone...)

Calling A Spade A Spade...

When I deconstruct things down to their bare bones (something for which I seem to have a gift!) some people get pissy and say I'm just being crass...

Well, not sure this woman could be accused of being crass - sardonic yes, crass no:

And if you do want to say she's crass, then I'm in very good company!

What's It All About, Alfie?...

LYRICS:

What's it all about, Alfie?
Is it just for the moment we live?
What's it all about when you sort it out, Alfie?
Are we meant to take more than we give
or are we meant to be kind?

 
And if only fools are kind, Alfie,
then I guess it's wise to be cruel.
And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie,
what will you lend on an old golden rule?
 

As sure as I believe there's a heaven above, Alfie,
I know there's something much more,
something even non-believers can believe in.

 
I believe in love, Alfie.
Without true love we just exist, Alfie.
Until you find the love you've missed you're nothing, Alfie.
When you walk let your heart lead the way
and you'll find love any day, Alfie, Alfie.

LETTER TO THE RULING CLASS:

You control our world. 

You’ve poisoned the air we breathe, contaminated the water we drink, and copyrighted the food we eat. 

We fight in your wars, die for your causes, and sacrifice our freedoms to protect you. 

You’ve liquidated our savings, destroyed our middle class, and used our tax dollars to bailout your unending greed. 

We are slaves to your corporations, zombies to your airwaves, servants to your decadence. 

You’ve stolen our elections, assassinated our leaders, and abolished our basic rights as human beings. 

You own our property, shipped away our jobs, and shredded our unions. 

You’ve profited off of disaster, destabilized our currencies, and raised our cost of living. 

You’ve monopolized our freedom, stripped away our education, and have almost extinguished our flame. 

We are hit… we are bleeding… but we ain’t got time to bleed. 

We will bring the giants to their knees and you will witness our revolution!

~ A Pencos Reyes

 

An Apple A Day...

... doesn't keep death at bay - for Steve Jobs or anyone else...

I guess it's a sign of how far out of left/right field I have come, when the hooplah about Steve Jobs dying sets my brain in motion to see puns about "jobs" and "jobless" everywhere in what's being posted on the internet...

And makes me giggle (almost hysterically) when I see media outlets advertise their "live" events re Jobs' death on the same Twitter "moment" that other outlets are highlighting the plight of starving children in North Korea... 

Who needs/deserves the attention more? A dead Jobs or almost dead/saveable children? 

We are, I think, certifiably insane, living in a crazy, crazy world....

I admire some of what Jobs said/did/lived - love his "crazies" piece:

and at the same time he perpetuated the oligarchy's power/control wheel and allowed Third World workers' lives/health to be put at risk in manufacturing the products he created...

String of Suicides at Chinese Apple Manufacturing Plant

Inside Apple's iPod Factories

Apple's Ugly Side

But then, we're all hypocrites at some level...

I guess if your iPad is worth more to you than the lives of human beings and other lifeforms on this planet, then yes, it's appropriate to have a huge public wake for a clever man...

Personally, I think we're better off spending our time doing this:

The More Things Change...

...the more they stay the same...

What Will You Do For Justice?

Clarity Part Two: Rules Are For Fools

Let Go...

Having trouble holding the space as change swirls inside and all around...

Been asking/hoping for this - for myself and for the world... 

Know - both in the feeling and the intellectual sense - that it's all alright/OK/divinely perfect...

And yet am having trouble letting go of the edge/riverbank and entering the swift-running stream of full consciousness, full living in these amazing times...

While my Aquarian moon is completely ready for this, my Cancerian sun likes to approach things sideways, rather than directly...

MORE FROM THE HOPI ELDERS:


"Do not look outside yourself for the leader.


This could be a good time!


There is a river flowing now very fast
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid
They will try to hold onto the shore
They will feel they are being torn apart
And they will suffer greatly.
Know that the river has its destination.
The elders say we must let go of the shore,
Push off into the river,
Keep our eyes open,
And our heads above water.
Look around, see who is in there with you and celebrate.


At this time in history we are to take nothing personally,
Least of all ourselves
For the moment that we do our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.
The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!
Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary.
All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner
And in celebration."


Let go... the water's fine...

20 Minutes Is All It Takes...

... to turn a news report into propaganda: