King Solomon's Choice...

 

Up at 5am, out the door by 6.45, child in tow...

 

Long day in court...

 

Representing myself in this relocation trial which has morphed into a custody battle...

 

Learning on the fly how to ask witnesses questions and to cross-examine with a specific goal in mind... 

 

No real idea how I'm doing vis a vis influencing the judge... 

 

Think I am making some headway undoing some damage ex's attorney has tried to do and forcing his witnesses to back-track, admit mistakes... 

 

Back to the salt mines for more tomorrow afternoon...

 

Setting the intention that the universe fills my coffers with moolah overnight, so I can get to court and back - gas money and ferry fare home!   No idea how that's going to happen AND it will!!! lol...

 

Namaste - sweet dreams all...

Oh - and so grateful for loving friends - especially CHRIS S today... boy and I are blessed...

 

 

 

 

Did You Know...

... that the capacity to 'endure' is VASTLY over-rated?

Enduring this drama...

Someone said to me that other day, that my job right now is to simply 'endure'... and that she marvelled at my capacity to endure... that she didn't know how I was holding it all together...

AND everything that needs to be done is turning into an epic challenge, with seemingly endless roadblocks and obstacles and U-turns...

Holding the reality that a wish to go back to Australia with the boy, has a real chance of turning into me losing custody of him, as his father attempts to paint me an unfit mother...

And what judge - the henchman of the oligarchs - would think me otherwise, looking at our financial and living situation, at my views and choices on "educating" the boy, at my philosophical and political views, at my activism?

What to do to head that off without legal help, without completely turning myself inside out for the system...

What will I do to keep custody of the boy?

What principles will I cave on?

Will it be enough to simply withdraw my Intention to Relocate Notification?

Is that still possible - or have I let things go to far?

And I have to face this - tomorrow... 

Am not 'prepared' in the legal sense because I have no energy or desire to play this game - I just want to go in there, speak my truth and have that accepted...

I'm full, feeling desperate, overwhelmed, on the back foot, confused, bewildered, alone, panic-stricken... 

And yet, I am not the clouds...

I am the always-present sky through which the ever-changing clouds of my emotions form, reform and evaporate as they pass across the sky...

This too, shall pass...

I surrender...

What will be, will be...

(and no, that doesn't mean I give up - it means I give up my desire to control the process and the outcome, I let it unfold...)

 

Dysfunction...

Words from the abusive parent:
I'm only doing this for your own good.
You're stupid.
Obey your parent.
Do as I say, not as I do.
Don't talk back.
Love me, or you will live in shame.
If you refuse to love me, I will punish you.

 

Words from the abusive government:
We're only doing this for the good of the people.
The smart people (us of course) will fix it.
Obey your leaders.
Do as we say, not as we do.
Don't talk back.
Love your country, or you will live in shame.
If you refuse to love your country, we will punish you.

 

 

The Oppression Of Children...

Via my friend Conny Jensen:
 

"..they cannot survive without you. It is a question of life and death!.. Instead of making them more alert, more aware, more alive, more reflective, instead of making them more mirror-like, pure, you make them full of ideas...layers and layers of dust.  And then it becomes impossible for them to see that which is.  They start seeing that which is not and they stop seeing that which is."


This is bondage. But everybody is living in bondage, because everybody who brought you up wanted to have power over you, to enjoy the mastery over you.

 

And children are the most helpless people in the world, the most exploited class.

 

It is not the proletariat who are the most exploited class, it is not women who are the most exploited class.  It is the children who are the most exploited class -- and so helpless. 

 

The proletariat can revolt -- they have revolted in Russia, in China and in other communist countries. The women all over the world are making efforts to revolt, but it is impossible to imagine how children will revolt.

They are so helplessly dependent on their parents, they cannot think of any revolt. And unless revolution happens in them all other revolutions are going to be superficial.  The basic conditioning, the basic imprisonment is created in childhood when the child is so helpless that he has to accept whatsoever conditions you put upon him just to survive." 

~Osho

 

 

Wow... extra WOW as I consider which of the two temporary housing options I should take up - have to decide THIS MORNING...

 

One keeps the boy more in his already fragile comfort zone, the other opens new doors for us both...

 

I am veering towards the second...

It Hurts When...

... your young son states/asks you (for the second time in about six months): "Mum, we're poor, aren't we?"

and so, you go through the motions of describing just how "rich" you really are - you slept in a warm, dry place last night, you have food in the fridge, you have clothes, hot water for a shower, the two cats (and even enough food to last them into tomorrow), a car with a tiny bit of gas still in it, friends, books, toys, a computer, DVDs and music...

and you say that no matter what happens, people are important, not things, and that wherever you are, wherever you end up, you will have each other and the people that care about you...

and at the same time, you swallow the bile that rises in your throat and the anger that's swirling in your belly, as you think about the boy's father, who, because he can't stand the fact that he is no longer in control, is doing his utmost to make life difficult, to punish you for refusing to accept his abuse...

and you shake your head at the complete insanity, where this man does not realise that when he does what he does, he's hurting the child he says he loves, not you...

and that's just how it is...

PS:   I have a question... Why would it be so hard to sit down - for about the 20th time in six years - and write out all the facts, events, reasons why what's being presented in court by an abusive man with narcissistic traits and schizoid tendencies, ought to be ignored, dismissed, thrown out?  You would think it would get easier, pretty much formulaic with so much repetition...

And While We're On The Subject Of Gratitude...

Every time I think we have it bad, that life sucks, I remind myself of this absolutely awesome movie...