Friday...

Thanks for the good wishes/prayers people...

Outcome of today's court hearing is:

I'm restrained (for now) from taking the boy to Australia to live...

His dad and I go to trial in a couple of months to fight it out...

In the meantime, we will probably have to undergo a parenting evaluation, with the boy being questioned...

And on January 13 I have to go defend myself against contempt of court charges because I won't physically force the boy to go visit with his dad, I have to argue why his dad ought not succeed in his motion to pay less towards the boy's care and I have to convince the judge there's still a need for the Protection Order...

I had hoped this part of the journey was over...

Still things to discover and expand into, obviously...

Interesting times...

It has occurred to me that I am being asked to find a different way of relating to boy's father...

Perhaps that's why I chose not to go on the attack in the hearing...

Though it did feel like I was fighting with one hand tied behind my back, not feeling I was free/it would do any good to articulate some of the understandings I have about our situation/that have driven my choices at each crossroad on this journey...

Not sure a judge, constrained by rules and regulations and legislation that is so uni-dimensional, firstly would understand, and secondly be able to issue Orders that would honour the realities of this situation as I see them...

Boy's father's attorney was making a meal of the "fact" of our "homelessness" and 'instability"...

In all of this, we have never been without a warm roof over our heads, food in our bellies, clothes on our backs, a vehicle to get around in and access to health care etc...

Not sure a judge would be sympathetic to my view that we are on an 'adventure' and that the gift of this "homelessness" is the connection and insights we are gathering from being able to live in community with other people, all doing life differently... 

Weirdly, on some level, I am OK with all of this...

I know it's about stuff happening on multiple levels, inner, interpersonal, and on a community/societal level... 

and it needs to play out to the end...

"Focus on the journey, not the destination. 

Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it."

~Quaker quote

I Can See Clearly Now!

Woke up this morning to find my last remaining pair of prescription specs had broken under my pillow overnight...

Had had a premonition about it a couple of days ago, but was hoping it wouldn't happen for a couple of months... (the more "aligned" one is, the more one finds that precognition becomes reality almost instantaneously - which is the place where we are GOD, and completely creators of our own worlds)...

Anyway, my first response was "Damn" because everything in print less than three feet away is nothing but a blur...

and I'm working on the computer and putting legal documents necessary for our move together and I'm on a roll and don't want to lose my impetus and motivation!

So, I went to the local whole food market and bought a cheap pair of readers that will get my by until the snazzy new set of BIFOCALS!!! (getting old) arrive from the optometrist... called by her office on the off-chance she could take a walk in, and she could...

And I hadn't had an eye exam or new specs for more than two years, so medical insurance covered all but $23 of the cost - a good deal indeed!

So, my vision problem was solved within 4 hours - not bad, not bad...

 

And if you haven't already realised, while this happened for me in 3D today, it's also an analogy for what happens when one adjusts one's position and view slightly and then has clear vision, intent, commitment and focus - about oneself, one's relationships, one's own life journey ...

It's a big deal and/also it's no big deal!

   

And Now For Something A Little Different...

I was going to post this last night (Friday 7 January), but my poor old hard drive was having a difficult time with all the uploads of new data (just like me, I think!) and kept freezing, so I gave up and went to bed!

It's been another big week, with some long-avoided matters of personal business taken care of and some news that will force unavoidable change earlier than I was expecting...   And that's good...

And I have lots of "worthy", "serious", "urgent" stuff to post on this blog... And that's good...

BUT - I'm kinda stretched out and just want to kick back for a while, so here's something to keep you focused in the meantime!

CAUTION - IF YOU CHOOSE TO WATCH THESE CLIPS, PLEASE GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO RE-GROUND FULLY - BREATHE, EAT, DRINK - BEFORE YOU GO BACK TO YOUR DAILY WORLD...

Grief & Roses...

It was complete synchronicity that I wrote yesterday about feminine beauty past and present, using photos of French model Isabelle Caro to exemplify how far the pendulum has swung into the realms of unhealthy and horrible...

I didn't even know her name, or the names of the other young women pictured.

And today I read the headlines that she had died (in November)... At the age of 28, after a 15-year journey through the hell of anorexia...

Synchronicity?   Was I "tuned in" to other energy fields and picking up what was going on in her life?

Whatever, I feel sad for Isabelle in what she must have endured... and sad that an artificial world, the creation mostly of men, enabled her in that torturous and tortuous travail...

These roses are for Isabelle and all the women - young and old - who have felt so unloved and unaccepted/unacceptable that they fought their minds, bodies and spirits to become someone/something else...

 

Maori Prayer For Peace...

Kia hora te Marino is an ancient Maori prayer spoken by seamen before a voyage.

LYRICS:

Kia hora te marino
kia whakapapa pounamu te moana
kia tere te karohirohi
i mua i tou huarahi
Haere e tama haere

“May Peace Be Widespread”

Let peace be widespread
Let the sea glisten like the greenstone
May your path be straight
Like the flight of the dove
Go in peace and with my blessings

Modern Troubadour...

A wandering minstrel I —
A thing of shreds and patches,
Of ballads, songs and snatches,
And dreamy lullaby!
My catalogue is long,
Through every passion ranging,
And to your humours changing
I tune my supple song!
I tune my supple song!

 ~ Gilbert & Sullivan, The Mikado...

Self-Delusional Arrogance...

Beware - this is a rant... so if you don't want to read a tirade, click out now!

It's been one of those days, when, with insufficient coffee and food in the system and too much stress over too long a period of time, I've run out of elastic in dealing with self-righteous, self-centred, arrogant, delusional, "know-it-all" housemates who hide behind their "spiritually advanced" personas to "win" or "maintain" their power...

 

I find it ironic that people who claim to be so advanced don't recognise when they're using actions, language, tone of voice and body stance to disempower others, to manipulate the conversation and to generate the outcome they desire...

I find it ironic that they can't accept that there's a place of "and/also" where both points of view are valid and that it's possible to find resolution of issues without having to make one person/perspective right and the other wrong...

I find it ironic that these so-called spiritually advanced people preach one thing but practise something else altogether, and don't recognise when they're not living their teachings... and then criticise others for not "walking the talk"...

I find it ironic that these people hide behind their own "stories", including so-called past lives as famous people, to bolster their egos and to claim their space, legitimacy and authority in the world, while at the same time they criticise other people for being so much in the "ego" and so attached to their "stories"...

It's sad really, watching these people do that... It reminds me of my mother, who, when life was really tough and she felt like a failure or that she was being judged, used to remind herself that her family came from minor French nobility and that they lost all their power, prestige and lands in the French Revolution... 

I'm disturbed when I hear them denigrate other people, including their teachers, respected leaders of the Buddhist community here in this town...

I'm disturbed when I hear them, in conversation with third parties, denigrate other people for whom they are providing astrology "readings"...

I'm disturbed when I hear them judge other people for not journeying through life in the way they think is most appropriate; it's frightening that such "spiritually advanced" people don't acknowledge their own limitations and yet don't recognise the Divine, infinite autonomy of others and the  sacredness that is their journey, however they choose to walk it...

I'm disturbed when I see them meddling in their clients' lives to the extent that relationships and careers are irrevocably affected, all on the 'authority' of astrology and their so-called spiritual enlightenment... 

I'm plain pissed-off when another "alpha" female criticises me for using ultra-pasteurised cream for a dessert, saying it has no nutritional value left, when she nukes her food in the microwave...

I'm plain pissed-off when the same female interferes in my parenting of my son, and attempts to correct his behaviour by mocking him.   I have raised three children to relatively successful adulthood already, and I think I know what I'm doing...

I'm plain pissed-off when the same "know-it-all" woman insists that peptic ulcers are caused by a virus and that they are treatable by antibiotics... they're not caused by a virus but by a bacteria...

I'm plain pissed-off that just because I don't spout off my life history and everything I've learned along the way, the same woman assumes I know nothing and feels a need to lecture me on everything from spirituality/metaphysics to history, politics, economics, parenting, pet care and housekeeping...

I'm plain pissed-off that this woman has a need to correct everything I say that's not 100% accurate.   The other day, in the middle of a tense discussion about how warm the house should be kept, she corrected me that the word I should be using was "oil" and not "gas"...

Such a strong need to exercise power and control and to "win", coming out of her own deep-seated insecurity... 

So today we had a blazing row which no one "won" and did not result in any solutions/agreements...ugh!

In my teachings, there are only two states of emotion - love and fear...

Love is expanding, fear is contracting...

All other "negative" emotions - anger, disappointment, frustration, envy etc - are cover-ups for fear...

And there are four basic fears: fear of death, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection and fear of humiliation...

In any situation where we're not feeling love, one or more of these basic fears has been triggered in us...

I wonder which fears my housemate and I are each reacting to?  

We're all  mirrors for each other, bringing to light unresolved wounds from the past, and playing the role of other people in those unresolved dramas, so I'm feeling her fear will be complementary in nature to mine...

I'm saying my version of prayers to my version of god asking for insight into my part of this tangle and for guidance to resolve this with ease, dignity, grace and love...

Finding & Living Your Own Spiritual Truth

I'm a shaman...

At some point on my journey, I felt I was being asked to choose whether I wanted to be apprenticed to a particular lineage of teachings or whether I was going to walk this path as a solo practitioner...

I chose to walk my own path.

I've studied religions/spiritual traditions from many cultures; at heart, they each say the same thing - the only real difference is the terminology...

I've taken from those teachings what feels 'true' to what I've personally experienced on a mystic level,  I've synthesised what I've learned and now have my own world view that works for me...

That's all that's important really - whatever works to connect me with the Divine and whatever works for you;  all the rest is about power and control and inserting an artificial (and unnecessary) intermediary between humans, the rest of life and the Sacred...

The Key to the Door at 51

I think/feel like I am finally an adult - at the ripe young(old?) age of 51!

Until a couple of years ago, I still felt like I was 17 on the inside... that I was faking/bluffing my way through life and that I'd be caught out soon!  And it was always such a puzzling experience to see the face and body in the mirror that didn't match up with the felt/mental/emotional sense of self...

I would never have believed anyone who told me my life would be like it is today - never in a million years.  I thought I'd still be married to my first husband, watching the grown kids produce their offspring, sitting by the fire like Derby and Joan.  In fact, close friends cried when I left that relationship because it seemed so 'perfect' from the outside (think they cried because when I stopped pretending that it was working for us, they realised they were in deep s**t!!!).

And now here I am with three grown kids far away and a 6.5 year old from a second brief relationship, in a new country, and I think - how the heck did I get here?

I was joking with women friends the other day that I wanted my life back... that I closed my eyes for a second and it kinda slipped off into another dimension... could just see it sliding by... Was joking that I wanted to tell the universe that OK, enough's enough, can I have it back now please!!! They too have a lot of very 'out of the so-called norm' stuff happening in their lives and also want to know what happened in those few moments when they took their eye off the ball...

BUT... if I leave off attaching descriptors like 'good' and 'bad' to the experience, its been the most amazing journey... 

I'm into looking at things on multiple levels and there's so much going on in terms of it being an exploration of human archetypes, of the mythic process ... 

I've learned so much about myself and I see so much interconnectedness and meaning that while some of it is/has been very hard, its also very fulfilling... and I cant imagine my life having meaning any other way... and I am finally living who I really am...

No idea where this is going and how its all going to end up... have given up the need to plan and control and have almost lost the fear - well, on some days anyway!    For the reward of the experience, I couldn't have  planned it any better if  I had tried anyway...