Get This Baby Born Already...

Dear Universe - I know it's just my own emotional roller coaster I'm riding and it's up to me how long and how far I want to ride it...

 

AND now would be a good time to bring some uplifting material and metaphysical goodies into my realm!

It's Monday and I STILL don't like Mondays - even though it's another gorgeous day, the sun is shining, we're fed, clothed and housed, with loving, caring people in our lives!

(What is it I'm bitching about, again?)!...

It's just a morning of weary, wary heaviness as I'm so aware the next step needs to be taken soon, and I don't know where/what it will be yet...

So many of us are feeling this...

So much to do, I have done/can/am willing to do...

And the (metaphorical) harvest is late - all of that activity, energy, commitment  hasn't brought in anything we can live off, at least in the "traditional" sense...

The only thing that comes to mind is that we - individually and collectively - are in the middle of a long, hard birthing process, the outcome of which - a safe, healthy, delivery - is not yet assured...

Something IS being born - we just are not sure what...

AND in the grand scheme of LIFE, there is no right/wrong, good/bad about what will emerge from the birth canal...

The only thing that is true is that we can't go back...

In the meantime, just as in labour, we have to go with the process because we have no control...

We can't stop it, or make it go faster without endangering mother and child...
 

 

LYRICS:
You've bags under your eyes
You've got boobs to your knees
Your hand's full of poo and your bra's full of cheese
Your stomach is bloated your clothes do not fit
He still wants sex while you feel like shit
He begs for this favour not long after labour
It's like eating a meal after you've just been sick

And the boys at the office tell him I should give him what he wants
To this I say that they're a bunch of lalalalalalala

You bastard you cocked up it's you got me knocked up
Just cos you want me to have bigger tits
You're pleading, you're pining
Oh please stop your whining
You're not getting sex 'til the kid's 26

You say you want another child, another pregnancy
When you can poo a watermelon I'll agree

I could have been someone if you just hadn't come (along)
If I hadn't been so drunk and I'd said maybe
We'd be going out and stuff, now there's forceps up my chuff
Pulling the head of a screaming 10lb baby

And the mums on Hornby Island* say keep breast feeding 'til they're four
If I do I won't have nipples anymore

And all the doctors told me that I'd need a stitch or ten
I say sew me up so I can't do this again.

*an island nearby with a reputation for being very wholesome! 

Sahila Once More...

... is grateful to all her friends who made it possible for her (and the boy and the cats) to have a quiet, comfortable weekend to recover her sangfroid...

and who said lovely things about her in character references...

... she feels almost human again... 

and it's Monday tomorrow...

and, seeing life has not magically resolved the issues in the past two days, it's "once more into the breach, dear friends, once more..."

from Shakespeare's KING HENRY V:

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;

Or close the wall up with our English dead.

In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.

Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height.  On, on, you noblest English.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to war.  And you, good yeoman,
Whose limbs were made in England, show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.

I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start.  The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'

although, perhaps she might try a less aggressive approach...

Rainy Days & Mondays...

Always get me down.... 

Am seriously pissed off...  

Thought it might be only a Monday thing and that there isn't an intimate  Valentine in my life and my other kids are far away... 

But no, woke up this morning and am still "out of sorts"...

Don't want to do my usual and look for the silver lining in the clouds, of which there are plenty, real and metaphorical - clouds I mean, not necessarily silver linings...

It's still raining... which is depressing, considering my Vitamin D levels are chronically low; I do best in a warm sunny climate, or a cold sunny climate and Seattle's a predominantly grey, wet, chilly climate - and so, that sucks...

I'm still in the process of moving; how does a 52 year old woman and a 7 year old child accumulate so much stuff in such a short space of time?   

That was a rhetorical question - I know how and why; subconsciously in creating our first home in Seattle in 2008, I was trying to gather up/recreate all the strands of my earlier life, my former identity, after I chose to abandon it all... but in my earlier life, in my earlier identity, I was the reasonably well-off, middle-class matriarch of a family of five, living the reasonably well-off, middle-class life in New Zealand... 

Times have changed, circumstances have changed, I have changed... but there's still a dissonance between that reality and where I'm at in my head/heart/spirit space...

And now it's taking endless hours, the energy of 6 people, three vehicles and several tanks of gas to pack and move all that 'stuff' from the old house, into storage while the next step on this journey reveals itself...

Two moves in four months, with another move coming sometime in the next 2-5 months... F * * K!   What for all the stuff and what for all the moves?

And with the moving, still all the questions about schooling, moving to Australia, money, work... nothing solid to count on, no-one to pass the responsibility and accountability buck to, all falling on me, myself and I...

A huge test of trust and faith - in myself and in the Divine, that it's all unfolding as it should...

And then there's the stuff that's coming up with the EMDR work I've started - never any fun dredging up old trauma, but when it gets in the way of building a new life, then there's more to lose in not doing it, than in beginning to dig...

And then there's normal mundane small crappy annoyances, like this old, slow computer and unreliable internet connection, taking me three times as long to do what I want/need, taking me away from my child and other things I want to do...

I'm tired...

I'm fed up with worrying about how many trips to school I can make on an 1/8 of a tank of gas; about how to make sure the money that does come in doesn't get swallowed up paying insufficient funds fees; about calculating how many days I have to 'swing it' between bills due and money coming in to pay part of them; about not freaking when more and more things need time, attention, energy and money to fix or keep working or to replace; about how much longer people will give us what we need, trusting me to pay what I owe over time...

And it's really, really weird to hear myself laughing about this if I tell people what's really going on...

On the one hand, this is no laughing matter; on the other, there is nothing left for me to do but laugh... crying won't change it, ranting and raving won't fix it, self-pity is useless - I created this situation, so there's no one else to blame and sitting down and giving up is not an option with a youngster to protect and nurture...

So I laugh...

Crazy...

And fed up with all the doom and gloom...

 

People must be sick of my postings and re-postings about the crap going on in the world... 

I know I am...

But it feels like I see nothing much changing, so people still aren't listening, seeing...  if they do hear and see, how come they don't then do?

None of this information is hard to find - it's right there in front of us...

How come people haven't noticed, don't know this stuff, haven't figured it out for themselves?

There's all this jubilation about the so-called "revolution" in Egypt... what revolution?   Mubarak is gone, but the military is in power and is pushing back, bullying journalists and the people... what has changed?

I keep trying to stop passing on the information that comes my way, but then I get sucked back in by some warped sense of responsibility... this has to be done, someone has to 'witness'... damn!

Feel a bit like Noah, who tried to warn people, was ignored, and then just had to concentrate on doing his best for his family, those who would listen and the animals.... you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink... personal responsibility comes into this... there are none so blind as those who will not see...

 

Wish this human world would just hurry up and finish self-destructing so that those of us who are left can rebuild something better...

And if there's nothing left, so what?   Gaia existed for eons without us and will do so quite well again...

And for those who think the human spirit is something special that would be an enormous loss if we went extinct,  I don't agree.

Energy cannot be created or destroyed.   That energy which now is manifested as human, will re-emerge in creation somewhere else, in some other form... nothing is ever lost - it's only transformed, transmuted...

For myself, I'm about ready to stop talking about the problems, and to concentrate on BUILDING something new for myself and my son and our community... 

Not sure what I'm going to be doing, where or with whom, but I do know it's time to change focus... 

I'm noticing other people/groups out there concentrating on creating other possible futures; I need to find out more and see if that's a path for me...