The Tail Wagging The Dog...

... another of my pet peeves...

Any company or brand expecting you to pay to wear their logos...

Tell me again - why should I do that?

Ought it not to be the other way around, where you pay me to wear, carry, drive your products - seeing I'm a walking advertisement for you???

It used to bug my children that I wouldn't buy branded, labelled products...

They felt left out, when they compared themselves to their peers...

I did occasionally succumb, but to the smallest degree possible...

When my daughters were in primary school, Benetton and Esprit entered the New Zealand clothing market...

My daughters went to a suburban school that had a high socio-economic population and most of their friends were wearing both brands within a matter of weeks of their launch in the country...

Knowing how much peer pressure around body image and popularity affected young girls especially, I gave both girls socks with the Benetton and Esprit brands woven into the tops...

They were so happy; they felt like they were part of the 'in crowd', normal, equals, accepted...

It was a small thing to do to make life a little easier for daughters who have a mother who doesn't fit the mould...

And I had a hard time giving in to the programming, on even that scale...

And this doesn't even address the issues relating to slave labour being employed in Third World countries to make these products and the unholy profits manufacturers are making on the backs of this exploitation...

My mother worked for most of her life in the clothing industry.  I saw how hard she worked and how little she was paid, even in a western factory.   I know the cost of the materials, of marketing and distribution etc...

Why on earth would I want to pay more to be used as a walking billboard to market a label, which, in itself has no substance in reality, is nothing more than an illusion?

 

Attraction - What Is It?

Attraction is such a fickle phenomenon, really...

It's not the looks that make the impression necessarily - it's the 'energy', the body language, what's in the eyes (the windows to the soul), what's in the mind, what's in the spirit...

It's how a person carries himself/herself, whether they take the time and trouble to present themselves to you respectfully.   

And show they respect themselves by dressing appropriately for the place/occasion, bathing, shaving, wearing matching socks and holding up their trousers with a belt and not the bungee cord I keep in my car!

Average or even ugly  (who defines all these terms anyway - they're purely subjective experiences, 'beauty being in the eye of the beholder' and all that) - is totally transformed by eyes that shine with intelligence and humour and goodwill, by a body that walks confidently and yet not arrogantly, by good manners that demonstrate consideration, by language that articulates learning, wisdom, understanding and respect for others, by spirit that emanates love, acceptance and generosity...

Attraction is all pretty idiosyncratic and without any logic...

For myself, I'm not attracted to 'fleshy' faces and ears.   I know why I have that preference, I realise its not fair or valid to apply that as a blanket criteria to all men...and it just won't go away...not very mature of me, but there you go.

And badly stained, crooked or missing teeth are a distraction that I have to fight against to give a person my full attention.

And bad teeth make me reluctant to think about kissing him...

And greasy hair - I do not want to run my fingers through a man's greasy hair - natural grease or product...

And the smell/taste of cigarette smoke on his skin and clothes - yuck!

The smell of too much alcohol, especially beer, is a turn-off, as is Old Spice after-shave!

And I'm short and round - I prefer to be with men who are at least my height, preferably taller.

I dated a 'little person' once.   I was curious to find out  what were my prejudices.   I met with him several times.  We had interests in common.

It was cool sitting with him at dinner and talking.   Great conversation.   We were at an equal height...

It was very weird standing up from the table and looking around and down for him.   "Where did he go?" was my internal reaction, kinda like looking around for one of my children...

I was used to being the smaller person... and I couldn't visualise the mechanics of making love together...

It didn't go anywhere partly because he wanted to move too fast, and partly because I couldn't get past the height difference... some might call that being shallow and prejudiced and they'd be right ...

Mars and Venus - Do Looks Matter?

Why do women say looks don't matter, but then they don't give us average guys a chance?"   This complaint/question was the topic of a conversation I was involved in a while ago with some younger men...     
         
It seems to me we have some double standards operating here.   I've heard very few men say that for them 'looks don't matter' when they're talking about what it is they want in their 'ideal' partner.


But they do seem to have different criteria for women they're considering as their potential mates to those with whom they're having a casual relationship.


I remember a conversation with my first husband when we began to get serious; we were talking about former boyfriends/girlfriends and the whole sex thing.


We were discussing attraction - what was necessary to develop any kind of relationship and whether there was a difference in what men were looking for if sex was the only thing on their minds.   One of his previous 'connections' was mentioned during this conversation. I remember asking him if he had been attracted to this person. As a young woman, I was quite shocked and upset to hear his reply that the general consensus amongst his peers was:
"One doesn't look at the mantelpiece when one is stoking the fire"


I find it a little confusing to hear surprise and an "it's not fair, what about the average guy?" lament expressed when men find that women can also have preferences.


Men have been judging women in the looks department for the entire history of the human race and have been refusing to date women who don't look like "Barbie", or Bo Derek or Naomi or whoever is the latest airbrushed fantasy doll.


Remember all the women down through the ages who were considered 'homely', who were the wallflowers at the local dances - trying to believe their elders telling them that it wasn't their looks that counted but what's on the inside and that a genuine person would see that in them and be attracted to them.


So many women living in fear of being that dreaded class - spinsters - because men didn't find them attractive.


I notice on many men's dating site profiles that they are quite picky and detailed in what they find attractive/acceptable/unacceptable about a woman's looks.


Some men are quite specific in their criteria; I've seen men write that they like their women to be all 'girly' - makeup, mini skirts, and high heels.   One person was really specific - the heels, he stated, needed to be more than two inches high, and the woman should wear them on casual occasions also.   Men have no idea what it takes to maintain that look or what kind of restrictions it puts on your life and activities, or how bad it is for your back and feet to be wobbling along on stilts that pinch your toes all day.


It seems to me these men don't want to be real - have a real relationship with a real, living, walking, talking, feeling human being. They want to live in an illusion.   Good luck to them and pity the women they connect with, having to maintain that facade for him for the rest of their lives; the minute they forget to put on their lippy one day and the wrinkles come, he'll be off looking for a younger,'taut and terrific' version (see movies such as The First Wives Club)


Times have changed.   Most (western) women don't need partners to survive in life, so maybe they aren't accepting whatever's on offer just out of desperation, and now many men are finding out what it feels like to be judged in a superficial manner.


Love it - Karma - what goes around comes around.   Now that the boot's on the other foot, is this complaint sour grapes because some young men don't have the brawn to make the football team (and score with the cheerleaders) or the brains to get into Harvard where all the thinking chicks will line up and fight for them and hang on every word they utter?


And the serious side of that is that this is an opportunity for men and women to move beyond the surface of both themselves and of each other, for growth and understanding and acceptance (not just tolerance) of diversity.   

Real Women - What Are Men Afraid Of?

I think human beings don't like to remember that biologically we are animals, we are related to the apes and apes are more or less hairy! 

Heaven forbid that we acknowledge that we have bodily functions, that we sweat and secrete fluids from various orifices and that those fluids have their own, unique scents that have a multitude of functions, one of them being to attract potential mates!


I think we like to forget our 'beastly' (dirty) primal nature and so to enable our denial, we cover ourselves up, primp and preen (grooming - as the apes do for each other) and have elaborate ideas/standards/techniques/rituals that distance us, take us away from the 'real' states of our bodies. 

Then I think there's a subconscious thing happening on the part of many men who are afraid of adult, powerful women, and so they want to have a relationship with someone with the pre-pubescent look of a bare female child body - only a step or two away from pedophilia, in my opinion...

Most fashion designers are (gay) males who don't like women and are designing for pre-pubescent boy figures.   How can any 'normal' woman fit that physical shape? They can't - only starving models can.   And our young girl children - already sexualised by the fashion industry and media - are learning that's how a woman's body is supposed to look and work and they become victims of eating disorders in an effort to be acceptable.

I think its really sad that women have been brainwashed to think that their normal, natural bodies are ugly and disgusting and unappealing/unattractive...

And then there's the money - billions and billions of dollars being spent in telling women how they have to look, and in creating mostly unhealthy, if not carcinogenic, ecologically damaging products that they need women to buy...

And now you have men buying into that - why men shave/wax their legs/arms etc I don't know... that whole buffed look, the exaggerated abs, the biceps, the product or bleach in the hair...

As a woman I know how much time it takes to maintain that look - and if a man is so into himself and/or so insecure about himself that he needs to go to these lengths to believe himself attractive or to make a statement... then I'm not interested... life's too short to spend so many hours looking in the mirror!

I want to be real, and so I rarely shave... used to and also used to wax... but a challenging life period and other more important things got in the way... didn't have the time or the money to get waxing done professionally (and not enough of a masochist to do it myself!) and got sick of getting the razor out each morning...

And I rebelled against the marketing campaigns that tell a woman she's only desirable if she's totally nude (except for a head full of luscious, flowing shoulder-length curly hair, preferably without any grey in it!) with a painted mask on her face, thin as a rake, with legs up to her armpits and watermelons for breasts ...

But I have to admit I am not at peace with myself over this - the marketing and 'stigma' has had its effect, and I too, fancy that, want to be seen as attractive. Its hard for me to go bare legged in summer, and I wear opaque tights or trousers in winter.   And menopause and changing hormone levels are facts in my life and there are those odd stray hairs appearing on the upper lip and on the chin that come with the wisdom years, that get tweezered out... I hate it that I sometimes still feel ashamed of/insecure about something that is a fact of nature and is not abnormal....

I have some older women friends - true crones - who are wild and natural and sexy and don't give a damn about what anyone thinks, do what they love, are fulfilled in their lives and are truly happy in their 'natural woman' skins - hair and all!

And I want to grow up to be like them - living life free of artificial constraints and standards, living real... and I want that for my daughters... and I want to be with a 'wild' (yet sophisticated and elegant! - no, they are not mutually-exclusionary qualities) man that knows and values that place of freedom and realness for himself, for me and for all living beings...