Did You Know...

... that the capacity to 'endure' is VASTLY over-rated?

Enduring this drama...

Someone said to me that other day, that my job right now is to simply 'endure'... and that she marvelled at my capacity to endure... that she didn't know how I was holding it all together...

AND everything that needs to be done is turning into an epic challenge, with seemingly endless roadblocks and obstacles and U-turns...

Holding the reality that a wish to go back to Australia with the boy, has a real chance of turning into me losing custody of him, as his father attempts to paint me an unfit mother...

And what judge - the henchman of the oligarchs - would think me otherwise, looking at our financial and living situation, at my views and choices on "educating" the boy, at my philosophical and political views, at my activism?

What to do to head that off without legal help, without completely turning myself inside out for the system...

What will I do to keep custody of the boy?

What principles will I cave on?

Will it be enough to simply withdraw my Intention to Relocate Notification?

Is that still possible - or have I let things go to far?

And I have to face this - tomorrow... 

Am not 'prepared' in the legal sense because I have no energy or desire to play this game - I just want to go in there, speak my truth and have that accepted...

I'm full, feeling desperate, overwhelmed, on the back foot, confused, bewildered, alone, panic-stricken... 

And yet, I am not the clouds...

I am the always-present sky through which the ever-changing clouds of my emotions form, reform and evaporate as they pass across the sky...

This too, shall pass...

I surrender...

What will be, will be...

(and no, that doesn't mean I give up - it means I give up my desire to control the process and the outcome, I let it unfold...)

 

Insanity Is...

I have to be in court on Friday morning to argue for another Protection Order, to argue against changes to Child Support orders and to answer a Contempt of Court charge, for not forcing the boy to see his father against his will...

I was supposed to prepare responses and counter claims for filing by today...

And I haven't...

For a week now, I have sat down every day to deal with this...

And I have nothing written, no "evidence" gathered...

I've been dumping on myself for falling into the old procrastination, "I want to be saved" pattern...

AND...

This morning I realised I just can't/won't bring myself to add to the crap that's already on the table in this 7-year long family law saga...

I don't want to spend time, energy and trees rehashing all the old toxic stuff, to win this battle... 

AND...

Is that just a self-serving rationalisation/justification to make my refusal to do what needs to be done OK, acceptable?

AND...

I've decided to turn up in court and speak my truth and what will be, will be...

AND...

I'm nauseated, scared shitless that not playing the game will be a huge tactical mistake and cost me (and the boy) dearly...

AND...

This is such a reflection of what goes on in the bigger world... might is right, winners and losers, power and control, conflict to "resolve" differences/settle disputes...

There must be another way...

In Hindu mythology, Mother Durga is the destroyer of evil.

A warrior goddess astride a lion or tiger,

with many weapons in her hands (symbolising Her many powers),

she plunges forth to kill and destroy the Evil,

to protect and cleanse the universe as the occasion arises.

  She is invoked to bring courage and the strength to overcome adversity.

The Game Continues...

I now know first hand how passive-aggressive Seattleites can be (apparently they are famous for it!)

My housemates are not very good at subtlety...

Sometime early December, I found a torn scrap of paper with a web address scrawled on it, on my desk blotter pad... the address turned out to be a website that would help you/me get your/my mess in order!

I got up this morning to find a bumper sticker placed on my desk. 

It quotes the Dalai Lama - "My religion is kindness"...

 

Kindness has many faces - I guess they don't like the face I am wearing in this situation...

Responses from my Facebook friends:

            TP: whoa! Passive aggressive much?

            JT: Maybe they meant it regarding your kindnesses!
           
            CF: since when is placing a lock box on a thermostat considered "kindness"?
        
            TP: When my husband and I first lived together, we were living with another couple. And the wife would leave me notes all over the house. Thank Maude we got through that and now we're the best of friends, but srsly, passive-aggressive roommates are the WORST. You can't feel comfortable in your space because you're always wondering what p-a note they're going to leave behind next. Frustrating.
          
            Sahila ChangeBringer:  We agreed at the end of our row about the lockbox-thermostat issue that Connor and I would move out ASAP and that we would stay out of each others' way... I have been doing my best to do that - I avoid interaction, I clean up after ourselves and just ourselves, I mind my own business.... now the "I'm sick with cancer" card is being played... I empathise with my housemate - I know what that fear feels like though I didn't have to do chemo - and I have things I could share with her to help her on this journey... but there is no opening for that... and I am not going to enable her family in their denial nor am I going to take over some of their responsibilities in this... my responsibility is to Connor and to make the next step in our own path materialise.
         
            Sahila ChangeBringer: @JT - no, they are not talking about my kindnesses!!!! They don't feel I am being kind enough...

I am kinda ashamed to say (no, not really ashamed!) that I put the bumper sticker back on my housemates' computer keyboard, but it now has some other words on it...

I reminded them that actions (lock boxes) speak louder than words and that perhaps people in glass houses ought not to throw stones... And I asked if disrespect = kindness?

We are being very childish, I think...

A couple more weeks and we will be out of here...

Yesterday I went to see the house we'll be looking after and met its owner...

Comfortable house, nice owner - a good transitional place that meets our needs while this hand of the game called life plays out...

I think Connor will have some adjusting to do in the new space - which will be hard for him and good for him at the same time - and I'm thinking how I can make that adjustment easier... will try to surround him with as much of what is important to him as possible...