WTF...

Um, excuse me Universe... 

WTF is going on??? 

I can get onto the websites on which I do my usual social activism stuff, but I can't get onto websites that deal with my financial situation and with finding somewhere to live?

Since when has internet connection been so selective?

I've aligned my priorities, closed down all non-essential tabs and now there's another obstacle in the way...

And I'm fed up with saying "it's OK", "this too will pass", "we are still some of the lucky ones"... 

I know all that is true... AND ... there's no need to take us down to the bare bones to prove the point! 

I've got the message and it's time to move on now, thank you very much!

We have to move - now...

Last night (Thanksgiving night) I learned that there's no nice way to ask the "man of the house" (NB  - important phrase to remember) that is providing refuge for me and my son, to please send his rellies home now, so we could go to bed in the family room, which said rellies were occupying, singing Karaoke, banging drums, yelling, laughing and drinking...

The woman of the house and the daughter had already gone to their beds; the people who were up were her husband and all of his relations...

My son and I were hanging out in a little office/study as there was no spare room with a bed for us to go to... 

I tried hard to be patient; it's just that we were tired, and not used to a lot of loud noise... by midnight, I had almost decided we would sleep on the floor if the gathering didn't end soon...

Background: man of the house and I had had a conversation in the morning, re what time this party was going to go to and what level of inebriation was likely to occur;  from my perspective, I had wanted to know what was happening, to shield the boy from drunken behaviour and because we had been allocated couches to sleep on in the areas that people would be partying in...

Did I mention that my father was an alcoholic who got drunk and very abusive on beer, so family parties were usually something to be dreaded?

Anyway, man of the house had said he expected things to wind down around 7pm...

His wife, who dislikes his family and the parties they have, absented herself all day...

So, at midnight I tentatively went down the stairs to ask the man of the house if could give me some idea about how long he thought things might continue...

His (drunk) male cousin, sitting beside him on the couch, got really aggressive, reminding me of my place in the house and that I had less status than family...

I asked him not to get involved because my question had been to the man of the house...

Man of the house not happy with me, but said they'd probably be another 20 minutes...

2am and the last of them finally left...

(Drunk) man of the house came to seek me out and scolded me for things I have done over the past few days that apparently annoyed him (had had no idea those issues existed) and complained that I had shown him that I did not respect him as the "man of the house"...

He reminded me that though his wife pays the bills, he was still the "man of the house", which, by the way, I had never questioned...

It turns out (and I knew some of this) he and his wife (the woman who is my not-very-close friend/social activism colleague) are having relationship difficulties around lots of issues, INCLUDING their respective education/earning capacities (she's much better educated and earns much more than he does)...

And there is a power/control battle going on over this huge, lovely house that they rebuilt six years ago, which her money has paid for, has been done to her exacting specifications, style and taste and which is now a financial millstone around their joint necks...

It turns out she did not ask the man of the house if we could come and stay here, he thought it was only going to be for a night or two, he doesn't want our cats here (he doesn't want the puppy she got for their daughter six weeks ago) and he resents giving up his "man cave" to us - in a house of 4,200sqft, shared by three people, two cats and a puppy.... 

Lots of projection, lots for me to notice about how people are doing relationships, lots of similarities between this family's power/control dynamic and the previous one we stayed with, lots for me to look back on, regarding my own actions in this house and the previous house-shares we've participated in, and lots to look back on with my two relationships, seeing how any of these issues contributed to the dynamic...

AND... WE NEED TO MOVE - NOW!

It's really hard to be with people who are defensive about where they are at in life;  I can't help it that I know what is going on for them, within themselves and in their relationships - I can't turn off the parts of me which just "know" those things immediately I step into a situation.

I do my best not to reveal/share what I know, unless the person invites me to...

And it's not as though I'm living my life any more graciously than they are;  I'm messing a lot of it up in quite spectacular fashion, if you go by our external circumstances!

So - where next, Life?   Am intending that it be in a place where boy, self, two cats and our bits and pieces can be in peace - either alone or with kindred spirits -  while we complete the legal dances that have been set in motion...  AND that we have plentiful resources to enable that to happen, in ease, dignity and grace...

And so it is...

Blessings Be...

 

 

 

Miracles Do Happen!

I've been making arrangements for us to move out of this house - calling service providers to have my name taken off utility accounts etc...

And while I was making the second call this morning, one of my housemates came up from downstairs and asked to talk...

When I was finished with the call, he said he just wanted to see if we could get to the place where we could have an amicable conversation and ending of this experience...

He said he was sorry for all that had happened and for it having gotten so weird and horrible and out of control, and he acknowledged that his family had been dishing up crap... 

He said his mother had not been herself really since her last illness and that this would never have happened if she had been well...

(I didn't know her very well then, so haven't had prior experience to judge her behaviour, and to give me the insight to make extra allowances)...

WOW...

I thanked him for his courage in opening the dialogue; I know it was not easy for him because I have been wondering how to get back to some sort of civility and respect myself and had not found the way to open the door...

We are still going to move - my housemate's final journey is not something we are part of.   Her son confirmed that he had told her I have gifts to share with her on that journey; he said she seems not open to receiving them at this time...

But at least moving out of here will not be a completely tense and horrid experience, filled with guilt, resentment and regret...

And maybe now I can let go of the long-held belief (lie) that all conflict is always my fault because I'm such an unreasonable, difficult human being!!!

 

A Day Off Would Look Like ...

This...

 

 

Someday... 

...Soon!

Music That Makes Me Happy Inside...

Sexiest song ever!

The Only Way Forward...

  

Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire!

When I was about 12, an American series was playing on Saturday afternoon television in New Zealand... on cold, wet, wintry Saturday afternoons...

And it had this catchy tune, and gorgeous men and spirited women, and lots of romanticism and denial about what life was really like in a logging town in the early days of settlement in the pacific north west...

And I had a crush on David Soul (and his character)...

Loved the theme music, believed the words...

 

Seattle

The bluest skies you've ever seen are in Seattle
And the hills the greenest green, in Seattle
Like a beautiful child, growing up, free an' wild
Full of hopes an' full of fears, full of laughter, full of tears
Full of dreams to last the years, in Seattle
. . . in Seattle!

When it's time to leave your home and your loved ones
It's the hardest thing a boy can ever do
An' you pray that you will find someone warm an' sweet an' kind
But you're not sure what's waiting there for you!

The bluest skies you've ever seen are in Seattle
And the hills the greenest green, in Seattle
Like a beautiful child, growing up, free an' wild
Full of hopes an' full of fears, full of laughter, full of tears
Full of dreams to last the years, in Seattle
. . . in Seattle!

< instrumental break >

When you find your own true love, you will know it
By her smile, by the look in her eye
Scent of pine trees in the air, never knew a day so fair
It makes you feel so proud that you could cry!

The bluest skies you've ever seen are in Seattle
And the hills the greenest green, in Seattle
Like a beautiful child, growing up, free an' wild
Full of hopes an' full of fears, full of laughter, full of tears
Full of dreams to last the years, in Seattle
. . . in Seattle!

In Seattle . . . in Seattle . . . in Seattle!

If you had told me then that 32 years or so later I would move to Seattle to be with the father of my youngest son, I would not have believed you...

But I did... a long story best saved for another place and time... 

BUT... what I do have to say is:

"Liar, Liar Pants on Fire - the bluest skies you've ever seen are not in Seattle... and the hills are not the greenest green in Seattle either!"...

Actually - the hills are very green in Seattle, but that's because of all the rain... maybe 180-200 days of rain and/or grey skies a year, whereas in Brisbane Australia, it's 300 days of sunshine and 65 days of rain.   

Brisbane's in the state of Queensland and its tourism marketing board has a branding tagline which, for once, does not exaggerate: 

"Queensland - beautiful one day, perfect the next!"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Here_Come_the_Brides







 

New: Teaching Session Offered Each Tuesday in Seattle

                

I'm launching a new class...
It's a 45-minute teaching session offered each Tuesday, focusing on the practice and benefits of breath work, and uncovering limiting core beliefs and self-sabotaging patterns of thinking, choice-making and behavior.

We'll be discussing what, how and why you think, do and say what you do, what are your expectations of yourself and life and what keeps you from reaching your full potential.

We won't just be sitting around; we'll also use experiential exercises to get to profound, deeply personal understandings.

So, if your life isn't going as well as you'd like and you need new ideas, strategies and tools to change that, come and check out what I have to offer.


Time:       6 - 6.45pm

Location:  5 Focus Fitness,
              1009 8th Avenue North, Seattle, WA 98109

Cost:       $10.00

RSVP:      5 Focus Fitness at 206 631 2818
              Sahila at 206 679 1738

For more information on breath work and the other modalities I offer, see my website: www.metamind-spirit.com

 

 

 

Birthday Revelations: How to Step Out of the Toxic Dance

"There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the people who create pointless drama in your life and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus on the good.    Life is too short to be anything but happy."

Actually, I had the very same thought this morning as I was waking up...

There is a person who will be in my life for a long time (we were the portal/brought a child into the world together) and there is nothing but needless drama in my interactions with this person, drama initiated by his attitudes, choices and actions.

And for many reasons, some to do with my own "story" and some to do with what I thought I understood about our reasons for coming together and walking this path, I thought it was my job to hold the line, enforce boundaries...

And on a psychological level, its been about submission - he not willing to submit to a strong and abusive female, his mother, whom I represent in this dynamic.

And its been a complete energy drain for five years now...

For a long time, I have been asking my version of the Sacred for insight into how to step out of this dance.

And I woke up this morning (great birthday present!) with the determination to just "stop" engaging; put out there what needs to happen with no attachment to, expectation as to the outcome.

There is no win-win in this arena because the mother is dead.   I can't help this man with his woundedness; he's 56 and only he can decide when he's going to finally grow up and stop being a victim/martyr to his past, to his story.

In fighting me at every turn, in attempting to control me, in asserting/exerting his power abusively, he's fighting his mother, hoping one day that in conquering me, he'll conquer her.   The more I engage, the more I feed into and fuel his unfinished, unwinable battle.

So I remove myself, put out there only what really needs to be said/done and refuse to engage...

Let him respond however he chooses (not how I think/feel he ought to respond) and I'll just get on with it - live Life - regardless.

Its his journey, his consequence, his effect, his karma... Its the job of the Sacred now to find the balance... I step out!!!

Wow - what freedom... what a gift... what a way to end my 52nd and start my 53rd year of living!

BREATHE & TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE - its that simple, REALLY!

Well, its that time of the month again, for men and women all! Time to come and breathe your way to a new life... Please join me and discover the amazing benefits of circular breathing...

Date:	Sunday, June 27, 2010
Time:	10:00am - 1:00pm
Place:	5 Focus Fitness
Street:	1009 8th Avenue North, Seattle, WA 98109

Who knew that just a little extra oxygen in the body would bring such amazing results?   Use your breath to:

• Achieve more focus, clarity, energy, motivation and insight.
• De-stress, unwind, unburden yourself from the past month's challenges and set yourself up for a positive, productive, joyful month to come.
• Clear blocks and release fears and other negative, draining emotions.
• Work on specific issues.
• Build and repair relationships and set goals - create an "Unlimited Life". 
• Establish/add to a physical, emotional and spiritual self-care 'maintenance' program.

Sessions consist of experiential teachings around uncovering and releasing sabotaging core beliefs and behavior patterns, plus 90 minutes of Conscious Connected Breathing.

• Appropriate for both beginners and experienced 'breathers'...
• Maximum 15 participants.
• Refreshments provided.
• Bring yoga mat, pillow, blanket and writing materials.
• Cost: $75.00/session (2-hour individual session usually $125.00)

This workshop repeats on the 4th Sunday of every month. Discounts are offered for those who pre-register and pre-pay for more than one session.

email: sahila@metamind-spirit.com or call 206 679 1738 for more information and to register.

Have You Dated Somone With The Same Name As Your Ex?

I have to admit that when I come across the dating profile of people who have either of my exs' names (or my father's), I pass right on by, even though I might be really interested in what they write about themselves.

Guess its quite immature and unreasonable and shallow, and I'm unfairly tarring them with the same brush, but I'm kinda superstitious about this and don't want to be hit by lightning twice, and it would be too creepy to call them by the same kind of nicknames, terms of endearments etc.

But - there are also other names that have nothing to do with exs, which I'm just not attracted to, in fact, which are an actual turn-off - Bruce, Dwayne, Murray, Colin and some others... 

I used to have men with those names in my broader working life and while they were OK guys, I just was not physically or emotionally connected to them, even in a platonic sense, and found it hard to give them their due.   Unfortunately, those men spoiled it for all others of the same name who have come after.   I'm sorry guys -  its nothing personal really, just me having a shallow moment...

Realities of Dating After 50

Whoever wrote about first dates these days being more like (informational) interviews had it right on! 

I had one of those a while ago.   I felt I was being asked the kind of questions I would have been asked if I was applying for a job - did I qualify for this person to spend more time with me?   I think I failed the interview - haven't so far been asked back for a second (no contact at all), but that could also be because I told him in my 'thank you' note that was what the experience felt like for me!   Not sure he was real enough to go there with me!

I think I'm way behind the 8-ball in this dating thing.   I'm 51, have a young child and little child-free time and, for my son's emotional and physical safety, until I really get to know someone, I keep my 'personal' life separate from my family life. 

It seems there are not many men in my age range who want to do this particular dance with me and I understand that.   While I think I'm a wonderful human being and a great catch(!), in many respects my circumstances are not an attractive proposition.   Potential mates are footloose and fancy free, hot-to-trot with money in their pockets and lots of time and freedom and few responsibilities - I can't match that.

I'd like to get to know someone casually - spend time doing grown-up things, get to know each other and let it develop from there, if its going to.   I don't see how I could effectively and fairly manage the parameters of a fiery, intense 'got-to-spend-every-minute-I-can-with-you' encounter, which seems to be what a lot of men want.... 

Maybe if it happened, I would find a way.   Maybe there's an exceptional man out there who has the stretch to accommodate the realities of my life without getting bent out of shape and becoming resentful that I have a prior commitment to another human being.   

But the pragmatist/realist in me worries that, under the current conditions operating in my life, no-one would be really satisfied and happy.   And for the next few years, the needs and best interests of a youngster are going to over-ride the desires of the adults in this equation.