OK Life, Universe, the Meaning of It All...
TODAY, before 5pm, would be a good time for the next step to show up...
Man of the house has just reminded me that today's the day we agreed boy and I would leave by, and said that if I didn't follow through by 5pm, there will be an "ugly scene" and "consequences"...
$$$$$ and next shelter required NOW...
I know there are millions in the same or worse boats AND...
AND I will not cry and panic in front of the boy...
Change of scenery will be good and distance is the great refresher...
Where is that 'change-of-scene' place and how to get there by 5pm today?
$3.00 in the bank, boy, 2 cats, two van-fulls worth of stuff, no gas in the van...
My brain so fried.... stay out of victim mode.... stay open for/to what's coming...
AND I'm not angry at him...
We have had a long time here and he and his wife have been very generous and accepting...
AND he and she have their own dance to work out in this...
AND we did have an agreement...
AND I have been making choices/holding out for something he has a judgement about, in that he thinks beggars ought not to be choosers...
AND and I see and accept that from him, seeing it's his (and his wife's) energy that has sheltered and fed us...
AND I HAVE contributed to the household (sharing what I have had in cash/food AND mostly in ways he doesn't recognise and value)...
AND he has a son he can't influence to make better choices...
AND he can't/won't put the hard word on his son's friend's who have crashed here long term...
AND he's worried about his job security and his wife changing jobs...
AND they have their own money worries...
AND I have been dragging my feet in dealing with having to take the next step - fear, overwhelm, confusion, burn-out, inner-child fear, hurt, anger and stubbornness, wanting to hide, wanting to be rescued...
AND this is wrapped up in my stuff around getting boy's father to honour and respect me and to show that by supporting me in raising the boy, to stop playing the power-and-control with-holding money and resources game...
AND he doesn't/won't realise that he's hurting his own son in this...
AND this must be what my mother faced/felt as she slowly killed herself through overwork walking this path, raising my sister and me through our teenage years without our father meeting any of his parental obligations, taking whatever low-paid menial work she could get to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs...
AND she died when she was 60, sick and sore, still working her arse off to pay a mortgage on a tiny home that reminded her of the houses in Holland...
AND I'm almost 54 and have turned my back on realities (relationships, life paths) in which I/we had secure housing and our physical needs met...
AND boy's father hasn't healed from his relationship with his (now dead) abusive mother...
... just as my father never healed from his relationship with his abusive mother...
... ... just as the husband in this house hasn't healed from his dysfunctional relationship with his mother...
... ... ... just as the boy's father's lawyer hasn't healed from his dysfunctional relationship with his mother - he barked at me in court that "you're just like my mother"...
AND, AND, AND...
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