Attraction - What Is It?

Attraction is such a fickle phenomenon, really...

It's not the looks that make the impression necessarily - it's the 'energy', the body language, what's in the eyes (the windows to the soul), what's in the mind, what's in the spirit...

It's how a person carries himself/herself, whether they take the time and trouble to present themselves to you respectfully.   

And show they respect themselves by dressing appropriately for the place/occasion, bathing, shaving, wearing matching socks and holding up their trousers with a belt and not the bungee cord I keep in my car!

Average or even ugly  (who defines all these terms anyway - they're purely subjective experiences, 'beauty being in the eye of the beholder' and all that) - is totally transformed by eyes that shine with intelligence and humour and goodwill, by a body that walks confidently and yet not arrogantly, by good manners that demonstrate consideration, by language that articulates learning, wisdom, understanding and respect for others, by spirit that emanates love, acceptance and generosity...

Attraction is all pretty idiosyncratic and without any logic...

For myself, I'm not attracted to 'fleshy' faces and ears.   I know why I have that preference, I realise its not fair or valid to apply that as a blanket criteria to all men...and it just won't go away...not very mature of me, but there you go.

And badly stained, crooked or missing teeth are a distraction that I have to fight against to give a person my full attention.

And bad teeth make me reluctant to think about kissing him...

And greasy hair - I do not want to run my fingers through a man's greasy hair - natural grease or product...

And the smell/taste of cigarette smoke on his skin and clothes - yuck!

The smell of too much alcohol, especially beer, is a turn-off, as is Old Spice after-shave!

And I'm short and round - I prefer to be with men who are at least my height, preferably taller.

I dated a 'little person' once.   I was curious to find out  what were my prejudices.   I met with him several times.  We had interests in common.

It was cool sitting with him at dinner and talking.   Great conversation.   We were at an equal height...

It was very weird standing up from the table and looking around and down for him.   "Where did he go?" was my internal reaction, kinda like looking around for one of my children...

I was used to being the smaller person... and I couldn't visualise the mechanics of making love together...

It didn't go anywhere partly because he wanted to move too fast, and partly because I couldn't get past the height difference... some might call that being shallow and prejudiced and they'd be right ...

Mars and Venus - Do Looks Matter?

Why do women say looks don't matter, but then they don't give us average guys a chance?"   This complaint/question was the topic of a conversation I was involved in a while ago with some younger men...     
         
It seems to me we have some double standards operating here.   I've heard very few men say that for them 'looks don't matter' when they're talking about what it is they want in their 'ideal' partner.


But they do seem to have different criteria for women they're considering as their potential mates to those with whom they're having a casual relationship.


I remember a conversation with my first husband when we began to get serious; we were talking about former boyfriends/girlfriends and the whole sex thing.


We were discussing attraction - what was necessary to develop any kind of relationship and whether there was a difference in what men were looking for if sex was the only thing on their minds.   One of his previous 'connections' was mentioned during this conversation. I remember asking him if he had been attracted to this person. As a young woman, I was quite shocked and upset to hear his reply that the general consensus amongst his peers was:
"One doesn't look at the mantelpiece when one is stoking the fire"


I find it a little confusing to hear surprise and an "it's not fair, what about the average guy?" lament expressed when men find that women can also have preferences.


Men have been judging women in the looks department for the entire history of the human race and have been refusing to date women who don't look like "Barbie", or Bo Derek or Naomi or whoever is the latest airbrushed fantasy doll.


Remember all the women down through the ages who were considered 'homely', who were the wallflowers at the local dances - trying to believe their elders telling them that it wasn't their looks that counted but what's on the inside and that a genuine person would see that in them and be attracted to them.


So many women living in fear of being that dreaded class - spinsters - because men didn't find them attractive.


I notice on many men's dating site profiles that they are quite picky and detailed in what they find attractive/acceptable/unacceptable about a woman's looks.


Some men are quite specific in their criteria; I've seen men write that they like their women to be all 'girly' - makeup, mini skirts, and high heels.   One person was really specific - the heels, he stated, needed to be more than two inches high, and the woman should wear them on casual occasions also.   Men have no idea what it takes to maintain that look or what kind of restrictions it puts on your life and activities, or how bad it is for your back and feet to be wobbling along on stilts that pinch your toes all day.


It seems to me these men don't want to be real - have a real relationship with a real, living, walking, talking, feeling human being. They want to live in an illusion.   Good luck to them and pity the women they connect with, having to maintain that facade for him for the rest of their lives; the minute they forget to put on their lippy one day and the wrinkles come, he'll be off looking for a younger,'taut and terrific' version (see movies such as The First Wives Club)


Times have changed.   Most (western) women don't need partners to survive in life, so maybe they aren't accepting whatever's on offer just out of desperation, and now many men are finding out what it feels like to be judged in a superficial manner.


Love it - Karma - what goes around comes around.   Now that the boot's on the other foot, is this complaint sour grapes because some young men don't have the brawn to make the football team (and score with the cheerleaders) or the brains to get into Harvard where all the thinking chicks will line up and fight for them and hang on every word they utter?


And the serious side of that is that this is an opportunity for men and women to move beyond the surface of both themselves and of each other, for growth and understanding and acceptance (not just tolerance) of diversity.   

Have You Dated Somone With The Same Name As Your Ex?

I have to admit that when I come across the dating profile of people who have either of my exs' names (or my father's), I pass right on by, even though I might be really interested in what they write about themselves.

Guess its quite immature and unreasonable and shallow, and I'm unfairly tarring them with the same brush, but I'm kinda superstitious about this and don't want to be hit by lightning twice, and it would be too creepy to call them by the same kind of nicknames, terms of endearments etc.

But - there are also other names that have nothing to do with exs, which I'm just not attracted to, in fact, which are an actual turn-off - Bruce, Dwayne, Murray, Colin and some others... 

I used to have men with those names in my broader working life and while they were OK guys, I just was not physically or emotionally connected to them, even in a platonic sense, and found it hard to give them their due.   Unfortunately, those men spoiled it for all others of the same name who have come after.   I'm sorry guys -  its nothing personal really, just me having a shallow moment...

Realities of Dating After 50

Whoever wrote about first dates these days being more like (informational) interviews had it right on! 

I had one of those a while ago.   I felt I was being asked the kind of questions I would have been asked if I was applying for a job - did I qualify for this person to spend more time with me?   I think I failed the interview - haven't so far been asked back for a second (no contact at all), but that could also be because I told him in my 'thank you' note that was what the experience felt like for me!   Not sure he was real enough to go there with me!

I think I'm way behind the 8-ball in this dating thing.   I'm 51, have a young child and little child-free time and, for my son's emotional and physical safety, until I really get to know someone, I keep my 'personal' life separate from my family life. 

It seems there are not many men in my age range who want to do this particular dance with me and I understand that.   While I think I'm a wonderful human being and a great catch(!), in many respects my circumstances are not an attractive proposition.   Potential mates are footloose and fancy free, hot-to-trot with money in their pockets and lots of time and freedom and few responsibilities - I can't match that.

I'd like to get to know someone casually - spend time doing grown-up things, get to know each other and let it develop from there, if its going to.   I don't see how I could effectively and fairly manage the parameters of a fiery, intense 'got-to-spend-every-minute-I-can-with-you' encounter, which seems to be what a lot of men want.... 

Maybe if it happened, I would find a way.   Maybe there's an exceptional man out there who has the stretch to accommodate the realities of my life without getting bent out of shape and becoming resentful that I have a prior commitment to another human being.   

But the pragmatist/realist in me worries that, under the current conditions operating in my life, no-one would be really satisfied and happy.   And for the next few years, the needs and best interests of a youngster are going to over-ride the desires of the adults in this equation.