Strange Pain...

 

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all.

People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit.  Love hurts.

Feelings are disturbing.

People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.

How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel?

Pain is meant to wake us up.

People try to hide their pain.  But they’re wrong.  Pain is something to carry, like a radio.

You feel your strength in the experience of pain.   It’s all in how you carry it.  That’s what matters.

Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you.  Your own reality.  If you feel ashamed of them and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality.

You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

~ Jim Morrison

I needed to read those words today...

AND I so need to come up with some sort of mental/emotional re-frame that will motivate me to open and read ex's (sure to be horrible, if past experience is anything to go by) court response justifying why he ought not to pay adequate child support, and to come up with my own response, for filing TODAY...

A friend suggested: "Pretend you are an advocate for someone else in the same situation.  Pretend he is not really your ex.  That you have never even met him,  you are merely reading the particulars of the situation someone else is struggling with.  It might help you distance yourself from the initial emotional reaction (which is completely justified, by the way.   Praying for you,  Love  ♥"

AND... I'm not there yet... and the clock is ticking...

... and the universe listened to my angst and said:

 

New Beginnings...

... Sending this out to the universe...

So - it seems me and the unschooled youngster (almost 9) and two cats will be staying here in the US for a few more years...

So - I'm open to somewhere new to live and work...

In my 'best-of-all-possible-worlds', that would be on Vashon Island or around north/central Seattle...

Preferably in community with like-minded, awake and aware, creative, artistic, musical folk...

 
In an eco-friendly sustainable environment (earth house and/or small farm style - garden, orchard, bees, poultry, goats, horses, pigs, PEACOCKS etc - would be bonus - willing to help make that happen)...

 
In an organic household moving towards a mostly whole food, plant-based diet...

Preferably in the green, near water, with a view of the mountain...

Other children in the household would also be a bonus...

Our preferred alternative would be to rent a "small house"...

or a LONG-TERM house-sitting arrangement...

We are responsible, respectful, calm, clean, friendly, funny, sane, non-judgemental people...

I'm a mature, very left/progressive/anarchic-leaning social justice activist, independent in nature, focusing on supporting Occupy/99% Spring activities, highlighting alternative economies, alternative forms of social organisation and public education issues... 

The boy is loving, kind, mature, bright, a bit shy at first...

The cats are spayed/neutered, indoor-outdoor, house-trained and well-behaved...

 

I have lots of skills to offer/share - see here: 

 
mainstream = metamind-creative ; Sahila ChangeBringer - LinkedIn ;

alternative/healer/shaman/therapist = metamind-spirit ;
 

activist = Bringing Change: Sahila-style ; Miseducation Nation

plus cooking, knitting, housekeeping, childcare etc...

 

We have a complete household of stuff in storage, which I'm happy to share with others...

We'll contribute to household costs and food... 

I'm also welcoming work/new clients - in person or remote via the internet...

If anyone has any leads, please message me...

Thank you...

Namaste...

Sahila

More Genius...

"The human being is a part of a whole, called by us 'Universe,' a part limited by us in time and space. 

He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest...a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.

This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires, and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. 

Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

~ Albert Einstein

 

 

 

Decisions, Decisions...

From my Facebook Status:
"OK - decision time... should I, or should I not, take a risk and spend $45 of the $70 I have left on a trip over the water to collect the mail and get a haircut ($25 haircut and $20.20 ferry ticket)?

Will cash come in to refill my depleted coffers in time to get me across the water, get some gas and pay for parking for Friday's court hearing to decide whether boy and I can go back to Australia to live?"...

Friend's response: 

"Maybe getting a cheaper haircut. In White Center it would be $10"...

My reply:

"I know... but I have to go to Shoreline to pick up the mail, and the haircut is a discount someone gave me for a place in Lake Forest Park - basically three streets away... 

Going to White Centre for the haircut and then up to Shoreline to get the mail would be the extra $15 in petrol and time...

Am thinking this is a trust test; have to stay in the NOW and keep moving, not sit at home being scared my resources are limited and if I use them up, there will be no more"...
  

And no, this is not a "poor me, look how hard life is" pity post...

I'm really awake to the fact that at this point, I'm being given the opportunity to look deeply at every situation I create/find myself in, at all its possibilities and at the choices I make...

Am I coming from a place of love - expansion, or fear - contraction?

POST SCRIPT: 
Seems the Universe thought it was a good idea to get my hair cut yesterday; recalcitrant ex-husband overnight deposited some of what he owes in my bank account, so the cheque I wrote to the salon is covered AND we can get around! 

Funny that he puts in the money - that he's been withholding for two months - the night before we go to court to argue over whether I can take our child back to Australia to live...

Guess it doesn't look good in court, when you're saying how much you love your son and how much of an unfit mother his other parent is, to be behind in your payments, so far behind that your child becomes homeless as a result...

Some Are Born Awake...

Sometimes I envy those born after me... so many seem to be born "awake and aware" and committed from birth to living their truth.

They recognise the BS (bullshit) wherever it exists and appear to be unafraid of calling it for what it is...

It SEEMS to me that for many of my generation (and previous ones), that awakening came later in life and consequently with a more difficult weaning/turning away from the dream/illusion...

The young give me joy, hope and inspiration... I am so proud of them...

LYRICS:

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you


LYRICS:

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn


LYRICS:

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know
that it alone does not equate to wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion
but enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine, politically aware, and don't believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that
loving someone can actually feel like freedom? Are you funny and self-deprecating, like adventure, and have many formed opinions?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

I'm in no hurry; I could wait forever
I'm in no rush cause I like being solo
There are no worries and certainly no pressure In the meantime I'll live like there's no tomorrow

Are you uninhibited in bed, more than three times a week, up for being experimental?
Are you athletic?
Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother?
Are you not addicted?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

 

 

Wake Up & Take A Ride On A Big Jet Plane

Angus and Julia Stone - "Big Jet Plane"