Love (And Common Sense) Prevails...

Washington State has seen the light and today Governor Chris Gregoire signed into law the right for same sex couples to get married...

The law comes into effect on June 7th, and anti-same sex marriage bigots have until then to get the required number of signatures on a petition to take the issue to a November referendum...

I'm confident the law will stand...

I guess some people might see this as opportunistic...

AND...

I'm an ordained, non-denominational minister and a shaman...

If any gay and lesbian couples want to get married now that you can, it would be my very happy honour and privilege to facilitate your ceremony/ritual...

Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire!

When I was about 12, an American series was playing on Saturday afternoon television in New Zealand... on cold, wet, wintry Saturday afternoons...

And it had this catchy tune, and gorgeous men and spirited women, and lots of romanticism and denial about what life was really like in a logging town in the early days of settlement in the pacific north west...

And I had a crush on David Soul (and his character)...

Loved the theme music, believed the words...

 

Seattle

The bluest skies you've ever seen are in Seattle
And the hills the greenest green, in Seattle
Like a beautiful child, growing up, free an' wild
Full of hopes an' full of fears, full of laughter, full of tears
Full of dreams to last the years, in Seattle
. . . in Seattle!

When it's time to leave your home and your loved ones
It's the hardest thing a boy can ever do
An' you pray that you will find someone warm an' sweet an' kind
But you're not sure what's waiting there for you!

The bluest skies you've ever seen are in Seattle
And the hills the greenest green, in Seattle
Like a beautiful child, growing up, free an' wild
Full of hopes an' full of fears, full of laughter, full of tears
Full of dreams to last the years, in Seattle
. . . in Seattle!

< instrumental break >

When you find your own true love, you will know it
By her smile, by the look in her eye
Scent of pine trees in the air, never knew a day so fair
It makes you feel so proud that you could cry!

The bluest skies you've ever seen are in Seattle
And the hills the greenest green, in Seattle
Like a beautiful child, growing up, free an' wild
Full of hopes an' full of fears, full of laughter, full of tears
Full of dreams to last the years, in Seattle
. . . in Seattle!

In Seattle . . . in Seattle . . . in Seattle!

If you had told me then that 32 years or so later I would move to Seattle to be with the father of my youngest son, I would not have believed you...

But I did... a long story best saved for another place and time... 

BUT... what I do have to say is:

"Liar, Liar Pants on Fire - the bluest skies you've ever seen are not in Seattle... and the hills are not the greenest green in Seattle either!"...

Actually - the hills are very green in Seattle, but that's because of all the rain... maybe 180-200 days of rain and/or grey skies a year, whereas in Brisbane Australia, it's 300 days of sunshine and 65 days of rain.   

Brisbane's in the state of Queensland and its tourism marketing board has a branding tagline which, for once, does not exaggerate: 

"Queensland - beautiful one day, perfect the next!"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Here_Come_the_Brides







 

Attraction - What Is It?

Attraction is such a fickle phenomenon, really...

It's not the looks that make the impression necessarily - it's the 'energy', the body language, what's in the eyes (the windows to the soul), what's in the mind, what's in the spirit...

It's how a person carries himself/herself, whether they take the time and trouble to present themselves to you respectfully.   

And show they respect themselves by dressing appropriately for the place/occasion, bathing, shaving, wearing matching socks and holding up their trousers with a belt and not the bungee cord I keep in my car!

Average or even ugly  (who defines all these terms anyway - they're purely subjective experiences, 'beauty being in the eye of the beholder' and all that) - is totally transformed by eyes that shine with intelligence and humour and goodwill, by a body that walks confidently and yet not arrogantly, by good manners that demonstrate consideration, by language that articulates learning, wisdom, understanding and respect for others, by spirit that emanates love, acceptance and generosity...

Attraction is all pretty idiosyncratic and without any logic...

For myself, I'm not attracted to 'fleshy' faces and ears.   I know why I have that preference, I realise its not fair or valid to apply that as a blanket criteria to all men...and it just won't go away...not very mature of me, but there you go.

And badly stained, crooked or missing teeth are a distraction that I have to fight against to give a person my full attention.

And bad teeth make me reluctant to think about kissing him...

And greasy hair - I do not want to run my fingers through a man's greasy hair - natural grease or product...

And the smell/taste of cigarette smoke on his skin and clothes - yuck!

The smell of too much alcohol, especially beer, is a turn-off, as is Old Spice after-shave!

And I'm short and round - I prefer to be with men who are at least my height, preferably taller.

I dated a 'little person' once.   I was curious to find out  what were my prejudices.   I met with him several times.  We had interests in common.

It was cool sitting with him at dinner and talking.   Great conversation.   We were at an equal height...

It was very weird standing up from the table and looking around and down for him.   "Where did he go?" was my internal reaction, kinda like looking around for one of my children...

I was used to being the smaller person... and I couldn't visualise the mechanics of making love together...

It didn't go anywhere partly because he wanted to move too fast, and partly because I couldn't get past the height difference... some might call that being shallow and prejudiced and they'd be right ...

Mars and Venus - Do Looks Matter?

Why do women say looks don't matter, but then they don't give us average guys a chance?"   This complaint/question was the topic of a conversation I was involved in a while ago with some younger men...     
         
It seems to me we have some double standards operating here.   I've heard very few men say that for them 'looks don't matter' when they're talking about what it is they want in their 'ideal' partner.


But they do seem to have different criteria for women they're considering as their potential mates to those with whom they're having a casual relationship.


I remember a conversation with my first husband when we began to get serious; we were talking about former boyfriends/girlfriends and the whole sex thing.


We were discussing attraction - what was necessary to develop any kind of relationship and whether there was a difference in what men were looking for if sex was the only thing on their minds.   One of his previous 'connections' was mentioned during this conversation. I remember asking him if he had been attracted to this person. As a young woman, I was quite shocked and upset to hear his reply that the general consensus amongst his peers was:
"One doesn't look at the mantelpiece when one is stoking the fire"


I find it a little confusing to hear surprise and an "it's not fair, what about the average guy?" lament expressed when men find that women can also have preferences.


Men have been judging women in the looks department for the entire history of the human race and have been refusing to date women who don't look like "Barbie", or Bo Derek or Naomi or whoever is the latest airbrushed fantasy doll.


Remember all the women down through the ages who were considered 'homely', who were the wallflowers at the local dances - trying to believe their elders telling them that it wasn't their looks that counted but what's on the inside and that a genuine person would see that in them and be attracted to them.


So many women living in fear of being that dreaded class - spinsters - because men didn't find them attractive.


I notice on many men's dating site profiles that they are quite picky and detailed in what they find attractive/acceptable/unacceptable about a woman's looks.


Some men are quite specific in their criteria; I've seen men write that they like their women to be all 'girly' - makeup, mini skirts, and high heels.   One person was really specific - the heels, he stated, needed to be more than two inches high, and the woman should wear them on casual occasions also.   Men have no idea what it takes to maintain that look or what kind of restrictions it puts on your life and activities, or how bad it is for your back and feet to be wobbling along on stilts that pinch your toes all day.


It seems to me these men don't want to be real - have a real relationship with a real, living, walking, talking, feeling human being. They want to live in an illusion.   Good luck to them and pity the women they connect with, having to maintain that facade for him for the rest of their lives; the minute they forget to put on their lippy one day and the wrinkles come, he'll be off looking for a younger,'taut and terrific' version (see movies such as The First Wives Club)


Times have changed.   Most (western) women don't need partners to survive in life, so maybe they aren't accepting whatever's on offer just out of desperation, and now many men are finding out what it feels like to be judged in a superficial manner.


Love it - Karma - what goes around comes around.   Now that the boot's on the other foot, is this complaint sour grapes because some young men don't have the brawn to make the football team (and score with the cheerleaders) or the brains to get into Harvard where all the thinking chicks will line up and fight for them and hang on every word they utter?


And the serious side of that is that this is an opportunity for men and women to move beyond the surface of both themselves and of each other, for growth and understanding and acceptance (not just tolerance) of diversity.   

Do Women Initiate Break-Ups More Often than Men?

 

 

A man complained plaintively on another blog a while ago:

"Why do women initiate break-ups more often than men?"


I don't know if it is true that women initiate more break-ups than men...

However, in my experience (20-year first relationship, 4-year second), I did call it quits first.

In my first marriage, after many years of minor-level dissatisfaction, my husband called me on it the day after our 18th wedding anniversary, saying "why don't you just be honest and say you want out?"...

So I said I did...

Problem was, I didn't really...

I wanted him to say:

"Honey, I love you so much that yes, we'll go to counselling and work this out".

He didn't, and three weeks later started dating other women. I think I gave him his excuse to move on - he hadn't had the " balls" to make the move to split.

In my second relationship/marriage, I ended it because there was abuse going on; marriage counselling didn't help (it doesn't in domestic violence cases because the problem isn't within the relationship - it lies within the abuser who has an overwhelming need to exercise power and control) and there was the well being of a young child to consider.

In my opinion, men act like ostriches with their heads in the sand about things that aren't working in the relationship, and then act all surprised and hurt when the woman finally calls a halt.

It seems that they don't hear, or attach any importance to, a woman articulating that from her perspective things are not going well, that issues need attention or else a break-up is likely.

I don't know why men want to ignore obvious red flags; maybe they don't have the nerve to face the challenge of working something through - its too hard; it requires that they'll have to open up, communicate, be willing to be vulnerable. Or they might have to alter the 'status quo' which might have been working in their favour.

Maybe they're being dismissive about a woman's concerns, putting it down to her being too emotional, not rational or logical, or that its because it's 'that time of the month'. Perhaps they hope that if they ignore it, it will all blow over and everything will be honky-dory again.

Well, guys - hate to tell you this... but not facing up to it is the surest path you could ever take to a split. And by not wanting to deal with the small stuff, you end up cutting off your nose to spite your face and losing the whole relationship.

The Key to the Door at 51

I think/feel like I am finally an adult - at the ripe young(old?) age of 51!

Until a couple of years ago, I still felt like I was 17 on the inside... that I was faking/bluffing my way through life and that I'd be caught out soon!  And it was always such a puzzling experience to see the face and body in the mirror that didn't match up with the felt/mental/emotional sense of self...

I would never have believed anyone who told me my life would be like it is today - never in a million years.  I thought I'd still be married to my first husband, watching the grown kids produce their offspring, sitting by the fire like Derby and Joan.  In fact, close friends cried when I left that relationship because it seemed so 'perfect' from the outside (think they cried because when I stopped pretending that it was working for us, they realised they were in deep s**t!!!).

And now here I am with three grown kids far away and a 6.5 year old from a second brief relationship, in a new country, and I think - how the heck did I get here?

I was joking with women friends the other day that I wanted my life back... that I closed my eyes for a second and it kinda slipped off into another dimension... could just see it sliding by... Was joking that I wanted to tell the universe that OK, enough's enough, can I have it back now please!!! They too have a lot of very 'out of the so-called norm' stuff happening in their lives and also want to know what happened in those few moments when they took their eye off the ball...

BUT... if I leave off attaching descriptors like 'good' and 'bad' to the experience, its been the most amazing journey... 

I'm into looking at things on multiple levels and there's so much going on in terms of it being an exploration of human archetypes, of the mythic process ... 

I've learned so much about myself and I see so much interconnectedness and meaning that while some of it is/has been very hard, its also very fulfilling... and I cant imagine my life having meaning any other way... and I am finally living who I really am...

No idea where this is going and how its all going to end up... have given up the need to plan and control and have almost lost the fear - well, on some days anyway!    For the reward of the experience, I couldn't have  planned it any better if  I had tried anyway...

Mars and Venus on Sex

I've been reading and hearing different perspectives on the role of sex in committed relationships and it seems there's a difference in attitude between men and women.

According to what I've read, (some) men feel that women participating in sex with them is an affirmation that she's saying "I love you", and that the absence of sex means she is indifferent.


Some say that by committing to a relationship, especially a marriage, a man has the right to sex on demand - that that is the one benefit a man gains in committing to a monogamous relationship.   


Some even go so far as to say that a woman in a marriage has no right to with-hold sex; that if she does, its part of a power play and she's using sex to control her partner.

I'm going to leave aside the issues of personal, physical and emotional sovereignty and a woman's right to decide where, when and with whom she shares her body - those principles should be a given, especially in a 21st Century world.

  
There's an adage that says that my responsibility for my words and actions ends with the doing and the saying.   How someone perceives them is not anything I can control, is their choice and their responsibility...

So a man's perception that a woman choosing not to engage with them in sex means that she is indifferent (to him and/or the relationship) is just that - his perception, not necessarily her intention or the reality...

In my opinion, women generally don't think that having sex is the primary way of saying 'I love you' and not engaging in sex does not mean she is indifferent.   This  comes back to the 'need sex versus want sex' argument where the two genders apparently also see things from different perspectives...

There are many, many different reasons why a woman might not want to engage in sex with her partner.   And many, many of those reasons don't have anything at all to do with him personally, so why he would take her expression of reluctance personally, I don't know.

Most women pour their expression of love for their mate (and their families if they have one) into doing the things they do for that person - besides usually having a job, running a household (research tells us women still do the majority of housework), cooking anything at all, let alone a more than basic meal, doing laundry, matching socks, ironing shirts, going to see sports games they aren't interested in, running errands, grocery shopping, picking up the dry-cleaning, taking the kids to the doctor, remembering special occasions, organising birthday and holiday get-togethers... 

Women don't necessarily do these things because they 'have to', or because they love doing them - who wants to be an unpaid char lady or PA, after all?    They do them because they are nurturing and caring for their partners and families, trying to make life more liveable for the person(s) they love, maintaining the life that is the arena for/reflection of the relationship.   And yes, men contribute similarly to a shared life. 

My point is that actions speak louder than words and the positive effects of these ongoing actions (if one is conscious and not taking them for granted as one's right or expectation within the 'roles' of the relationship) I would say are more pervasive and enduring than sex.

I know many women who do not feel cherished and validated in the relationship, especially when things have been difficult all day, there is tension, there has been little or no positive emotional connection.   Then their mate comes up to them in the evening and proposes that they have sex, often using the argument that it will help them feel closer, that it will 'feed' the relationship, the 'us'... 

It's still all coming back to it being a case of the male need and the male idea/style of building and maintaining relationship being the one that is set as the standard to be adopted...

I just cant help feeling that this male perspective is a very 'self-centred' one. Maybe that egocentricity is male hard-wiring?   It reminds me a little of my sons when they were around 4 years old - at the developmental stage where everything is still about them, that the world and everything that happens in it is directly related to their existence, and what they want, they want now... and they can't/won't accept willingly, reasons why that is not possible or appropriate...