Plan "A" Isn't Going To Plan & Plan "B" Is Nowhere To Be Seen!

I've noticed that a lot of people have been checking the post titled "Plan A"...

Plan A

And I notice Plan A was written 9 months ago, today!!!

9 months' gestation and what do I have to show for the pregnancy?

Definitely not the "baby" Plan A was intended to give birth to!

What have I/we been doing?

• Turned 53 and boy turned 8; girls turned 31 and 29 respectively

• Moved house again TWICE with a third move coming up ASAP

First move (March) was necessary because things were not going well in the house-sharing situation, due to conflict and senior house-mate being diagnosed with terminal cancer and dying (written about here and here)!

Lucky enough to immediately score a house-sitting gig for four months... 

Owners of first house came back for the summer, which made a second move necessary...

Second move (July) we were trial-running the idea of co-housing/intentional community...

Three adults, three boy children (aged 5, 7 and 8), three cats, three hens, one rooster and two frogs (now deceased!) all sharing a three bedroom house...

Interesting experience... can't give it a "quality" label - it just is...

Seeing an only child mix with two siblings who are very different in energy and temperament...

Experiencing two women, separated in age by a whole generation, sharing a kitchen and laundry and child care/supervision...

Watching house cat and interlopers dance/skirmish around territory issues (like the two women and the children)...

Watching the male adult act as go-between in the dynamic...

Finally having a discussion about where everyone's at, and acknowledging that one of the women needs her own space and family's privacy back... 

So we need to find somewhere else to be while we figure out whether to stay here or go back to Australia...

Will be fourth move in a year - hence very little excitement and enthusiasm!

• Won a 3-day, 2-night sail on a Tall Ship - the Adventuress - out of Friday Harbour in the San Juans - a late birthday gift for the boy, who wouldn't admit he was having fun until the second day, and when he's mad at me, still says it was a horrible experience ... I thought it was great!   Seven years in the US and we haven't been to the islands nor more than about 100 miles in any direction from Seattle... 

• Two days into the new school year, took boy out of school and we are now "unschooling"... 

Four things happened in those two days that convinced me that what I had been contemplating for the past couple of years was the right thing to do... 

Boy much happier, doesn't miss it, starting to get some initiative happening over what he wants to do, friends say they've never seen him so relaxed and outgoing...

I need to fine-tune how I do my day, so that I give him more time and attention and we do more things together...

• Spent most of the past 9 months working on social justice/change issues... been quite successful, judging by some of the response:

• Was offered a job as campaign manager for someone wanting to be elected to the local school board...

Thought it would be cool and fun and easy (using all my skills) and worthwhile...

Schoolhouse - OUR House:

Learning Together in Truth, Trust and Transparency

Three weeks later (this week) - fired myself...

Here's why:

"Hi M....

I've been sitting on this for a while and today is the day I had to make a choice...

I'm sorry, but I can't work on this campaign after all (and it's very hard to say that, given that I like you, I want S out of the District AND we really, really NEED the money, especially now)...

I haven't been able to do my best work for you, apart from coming up with your mission/value tagline and starting on your social media stuff...

None of this work should be a big deal for me, but it has been...

I have been trying to figure out why over the past week...

First I thought I was pissy because there were too many fingers in the pie and it's all very disorganised and its so hard to get to any outcomes

Then I thought it was because I was feeling like you couldn't let go and let me do my job and you were not listening to/accepting my expertise

Then I thought that me being a paid employee was getting in the way - I don't do well in hierarchies where my 3D/financial survival depends on me doing what I am told/delivering an agreed outcome...

But none of that is true, because I have delivered amazing work for clients/employers under all of these conditions...

Then I thought it was me being lazy and wanting money for nothing(!!!) and/or that I was too overwhelmed with my own stuff to have any energy left over for this project...

Today, I finally realised that I can't/won't do this work because it still perpetuates the current system operating in the world, and I am now so completely un-aligned with that, that it pains me to even try to work for/in this paradigm...

I have taken C out of school because I disagree what our education system does to our kids... and yet in helping you, I am helping to perpetuate that system...   You and the other Board members might make things better than they are now, but you will not fundamentally change how we treat children and how we prepare them for life...

Buckminster Fuller said you cant fix a system by changing it... that you have to create a system that runs alongside it that will gradually overtake/replace the obsolete system...

I need to be working to pull down the old and build something completely new, as the Wall Street Occupiers are doing - working in a completely different paradigm...

I am sorry for any inconvenience and disruption my decision causes, and if this leaves you feeling abandoned...

I will call you tomorrow morning (Friday) to give us both a chance to get to closure on this...

Thanks for giving me the chance to clarify even further where I need to be putting my energies...

Namaste

Sahila

• Still doing the dance with boy's father over money (father not paying) and visitation (boy won't go) - seriously not fun

• Still having issues with procrastination/lack of motivation, feelings of overwhelm and not knowing what to do for the best - trying to live Rainer Maria Rilke's advice about living our way to the answers

So - there you have it... an abbreviated recap of a rich, intense, full journey and not one step closer to being back in Australia...

Learning, growing, maybe becoming wiser...

LYRICS:

Daylight
See the dew on the sunflower
And a rose that is fading
Roses whither away
Like the sunflower
I yearn to turn my face to the dawn
I am waiting for the day . . .

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Every streetlamp
Seems to beat a fatalistic warning
Someone mutters
And the streetlamp gutters
And soon it will be morning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I musn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is

Look
A new day has begun

What's next Universe, seeing I don't have a Plan B?