By The Left...Quick...March!

March... named after Mars, the Roman god of war, storms and tempests...

March... first month of Spring in the northern hemisphere, and first month of Autumn (Fall) in the southern...

March... first month of Spring was the logical first month of the year and the start of the military campaign season.

Operation Iraqi Freedom, a military campaign began on 20th March, 2003

March... famous for the Ides of March, the 15th day, the full moon, on which Julius Caesar was assassinated...

 

It used to be that August and September were months of endings and beginnings in my life - moves overseas and returns, births of children...

But for the last 15 years, it seems that March is the month of change...

March 1996 I took my 3 older children from New Zealand to Australia...

March 2004 I came with my youngest to the US from Australia...

March 2008 we moved from one house to another here in Seattle - long story, but the new house was our first 'home' here and we were very happy there...

March 2011 we begin yet another transition chapter in another house (our fourth), still here in Seattle...

Done with the old and wondering what the new will bring...

LYRICS:

It's a god-awful small affair
To the girl with the mousy hair
But her mummy is yelling "No"
And her daddy has told her to go
But her friend is nowhere to be seen
Now she walks through her sunken dream
To the seat with the clearest view
And she's hooked to the silver screen
But the film is a saddening bore
'Cause she's lived it ten times or more
She could spit in the eyes of fools
As they ask her to focus on

Sailors fighting in the dance hall
Oh man! Look at those cavemen go
It's the freakiest show
Take a look at the Lawman
Beating up the wrong guy
Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know
He's in the best selling show
Is there life on Mars?

It's on Amerika's tortured brow
That Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow
Now the workers have struck for fame
'Cause Lennon's on sale again
See the mice in their million hordes
From Ibiza to the Norfolk Broads
Rule Britannia is out of bounds
To my mother, my dog, and clowns
But the film is a saddening bore
'Cause I wrote it ten times or more
It's about to be writ again
As I ask you to focus on

Sailors fighting in the dance hall
Oh man! Look at those cavemen go
It's the freakiest show
Take a look at the Lawman
Beating up the wrong guy
Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know
He's in the best selling show
Is there life on Mars?

 

Are We All Searching For Camelot?

It's true! It's true! The crown has made it clear.
The climate must be perfect all the year.

A law was made a distant moon ago here:
July and August cannot be too hot.
And there's a legal limit to the snow here
In Camelot.

The winter is forbidden till December
And exits March the second on the dot.
By order, summer lingers through September
In Camelot.

Camelot! Camelot!
I know it sounds a bit bizarre,
But in Camelot, Camelot
That's how conditions are.

The rain may never fall till after sundown.
By eight, the morning fog must disappear.
In short, there's simply not

A more congenial spot
For happily-ever-aftering than here
In Camelot.

Camelot! Camelot!
I know it gives a person pause,
But in Camelot, Camelot
Those are the legal laws.

The snow may never slush upon the hillside.
By nine p.m. the moonlight must appear.
In short, there's simply not
A more congenial spot
For happily-ever-aftering than here
In Camelot.

I Am Woman - Hear Me Roar

I Am Strong, I Am Invincible - Where Are The Men?

2,000+ years of the patriarchy, and where has that gotten us?

Seriously - look around you...

The Dalai Lama and indigenous elders all say women will step up, lead and make the changes that need to happen...

But we women have been fighting for eons to bring compassion and sanity back to life, to our societies, to the planet.   We bring life into the world, we do amazing things nurturing that life into adulthood, despite the challenges we face daily.   More is expected of us as mothers than is expected of fathers.   If something goes "wrong" it's always our "fault"...   And we are tired... 

In native cultures, men understand that it is woman's role to bring life into the world, and their role to protect women and that new life, and the environment that supports all life...

It seems to me that it's time for men to get it - get the  whole "sanctity of life" thing - and step up.   Turn this people-planet killing machine we call civilisation around...   And if you won't do it, move over and let us...

Pilobolus perform "Symbiosis"

The Divine Feminine and Masculine:  Dancing Life

Attraction - What Is It?

Attraction is such a fickle phenomenon, really...

It's not the looks that make the impression necessarily - it's the 'energy', the body language, what's in the eyes (the windows to the soul), what's in the mind, what's in the spirit...

It's how a person carries himself/herself, whether they take the time and trouble to present themselves to you respectfully.   

And show they respect themselves by dressing appropriately for the place/occasion, bathing, shaving, wearing matching socks and holding up their trousers with a belt and not the bungee cord I keep in my car!

Average or even ugly  (who defines all these terms anyway - they're purely subjective experiences, 'beauty being in the eye of the beholder' and all that) - is totally transformed by eyes that shine with intelligence and humour and goodwill, by a body that walks confidently and yet not arrogantly, by good manners that demonstrate consideration, by language that articulates learning, wisdom, understanding and respect for others, by spirit that emanates love, acceptance and generosity...

Attraction is all pretty idiosyncratic and without any logic...

For myself, I'm not attracted to 'fleshy' faces and ears.   I know why I have that preference, I realise its not fair or valid to apply that as a blanket criteria to all men...and it just won't go away...not very mature of me, but there you go.

And badly stained, crooked or missing teeth are a distraction that I have to fight against to give a person my full attention.

And bad teeth make me reluctant to think about kissing him...

And greasy hair - I do not want to run my fingers through a man's greasy hair - natural grease or product...

And the smell/taste of cigarette smoke on his skin and clothes - yuck!

The smell of too much alcohol, especially beer, is a turn-off, as is Old Spice after-shave!

And I'm short and round - I prefer to be with men who are at least my height, preferably taller.

I dated a 'little person' once.   I was curious to find out  what were my prejudices.   I met with him several times.  We had interests in common.

It was cool sitting with him at dinner and talking.   Great conversation.   We were at an equal height...

It was very weird standing up from the table and looking around and down for him.   "Where did he go?" was my internal reaction, kinda like looking around for one of my children...

I was used to being the smaller person... and I couldn't visualise the mechanics of making love together...

It didn't go anywhere partly because he wanted to move too fast, and partly because I couldn't get past the height difference... some might call that being shallow and prejudiced and they'd be right ...

Mars and Venus - Do Looks Matter?

Why do women say looks don't matter, but then they don't give us average guys a chance?"   This complaint/question was the topic of a conversation I was involved in a while ago with some younger men...     
         
It seems to me we have some double standards operating here.   I've heard very few men say that for them 'looks don't matter' when they're talking about what it is they want in their 'ideal' partner.


But they do seem to have different criteria for women they're considering as their potential mates to those with whom they're having a casual relationship.


I remember a conversation with my first husband when we began to get serious; we were talking about former boyfriends/girlfriends and the whole sex thing.


We were discussing attraction - what was necessary to develop any kind of relationship and whether there was a difference in what men were looking for if sex was the only thing on their minds.   One of his previous 'connections' was mentioned during this conversation. I remember asking him if he had been attracted to this person. As a young woman, I was quite shocked and upset to hear his reply that the general consensus amongst his peers was:
"One doesn't look at the mantelpiece when one is stoking the fire"


I find it a little confusing to hear surprise and an "it's not fair, what about the average guy?" lament expressed when men find that women can also have preferences.


Men have been judging women in the looks department for the entire history of the human race and have been refusing to date women who don't look like "Barbie", or Bo Derek or Naomi or whoever is the latest airbrushed fantasy doll.


Remember all the women down through the ages who were considered 'homely', who were the wallflowers at the local dances - trying to believe their elders telling them that it wasn't their looks that counted but what's on the inside and that a genuine person would see that in them and be attracted to them.


So many women living in fear of being that dreaded class - spinsters - because men didn't find them attractive.


I notice on many men's dating site profiles that they are quite picky and detailed in what they find attractive/acceptable/unacceptable about a woman's looks.


Some men are quite specific in their criteria; I've seen men write that they like their women to be all 'girly' - makeup, mini skirts, and high heels.   One person was really specific - the heels, he stated, needed to be more than two inches high, and the woman should wear them on casual occasions also.   Men have no idea what it takes to maintain that look or what kind of restrictions it puts on your life and activities, or how bad it is for your back and feet to be wobbling along on stilts that pinch your toes all day.


It seems to me these men don't want to be real - have a real relationship with a real, living, walking, talking, feeling human being. They want to live in an illusion.   Good luck to them and pity the women they connect with, having to maintain that facade for him for the rest of their lives; the minute they forget to put on their lippy one day and the wrinkles come, he'll be off looking for a younger,'taut and terrific' version (see movies such as The First Wives Club)


Times have changed.   Most (western) women don't need partners to survive in life, so maybe they aren't accepting whatever's on offer just out of desperation, and now many men are finding out what it feels like to be judged in a superficial manner.


Love it - Karma - what goes around comes around.   Now that the boot's on the other foot, is this complaint sour grapes because some young men don't have the brawn to make the football team (and score with the cheerleaders) or the brains to get into Harvard where all the thinking chicks will line up and fight for them and hang on every word they utter?


And the serious side of that is that this is an opportunity for men and women to move beyond the surface of both themselves and of each other, for growth and understanding and acceptance (not just tolerance) of diversity.   

Have You Dated Somone With The Same Name As Your Ex?

I have to admit that when I come across the dating profile of people who have either of my exs' names (or my father's), I pass right on by, even though I might be really interested in what they write about themselves.

Guess its quite immature and unreasonable and shallow, and I'm unfairly tarring them with the same brush, but I'm kinda superstitious about this and don't want to be hit by lightning twice, and it would be too creepy to call them by the same kind of nicknames, terms of endearments etc.

But - there are also other names that have nothing to do with exs, which I'm just not attracted to, in fact, which are an actual turn-off - Bruce, Dwayne, Murray, Colin and some others... 

I used to have men with those names in my broader working life and while they were OK guys, I just was not physically or emotionally connected to them, even in a platonic sense, and found it hard to give them their due.   Unfortunately, those men spoiled it for all others of the same name who have come after.   I'm sorry guys -  its nothing personal really, just me having a shallow moment...

Realities of Dating After 50

Whoever wrote about first dates these days being more like (informational) interviews had it right on! 

I had one of those a while ago.   I felt I was being asked the kind of questions I would have been asked if I was applying for a job - did I qualify for this person to spend more time with me?   I think I failed the interview - haven't so far been asked back for a second (no contact at all), but that could also be because I told him in my 'thank you' note that was what the experience felt like for me!   Not sure he was real enough to go there with me!

I think I'm way behind the 8-ball in this dating thing.   I'm 51, have a young child and little child-free time and, for my son's emotional and physical safety, until I really get to know someone, I keep my 'personal' life separate from my family life. 

It seems there are not many men in my age range who want to do this particular dance with me and I understand that.   While I think I'm a wonderful human being and a great catch(!), in many respects my circumstances are not an attractive proposition.   Potential mates are footloose and fancy free, hot-to-trot with money in their pockets and lots of time and freedom and few responsibilities - I can't match that.

I'd like to get to know someone casually - spend time doing grown-up things, get to know each other and let it develop from there, if its going to.   I don't see how I could effectively and fairly manage the parameters of a fiery, intense 'got-to-spend-every-minute-I-can-with-you' encounter, which seems to be what a lot of men want.... 

Maybe if it happened, I would find a way.   Maybe there's an exceptional man out there who has the stretch to accommodate the realities of my life without getting bent out of shape and becoming resentful that I have a prior commitment to another human being.   

But the pragmatist/realist in me worries that, under the current conditions operating in my life, no-one would be really satisfied and happy.   And for the next few years, the needs and best interests of a youngster are going to over-ride the desires of the adults in this equation.

Do Women Initiate Break-Ups More Often than Men?

 

 

A man complained plaintively on another blog a while ago:

"Why do women initiate break-ups more often than men?"


I don't know if it is true that women initiate more break-ups than men...

However, in my experience (20-year first relationship, 4-year second), I did call it quits first.

In my first marriage, after many years of minor-level dissatisfaction, my husband called me on it the day after our 18th wedding anniversary, saying "why don't you just be honest and say you want out?"...

So I said I did...

Problem was, I didn't really...

I wanted him to say:

"Honey, I love you so much that yes, we'll go to counselling and work this out".

He didn't, and three weeks later started dating other women. I think I gave him his excuse to move on - he hadn't had the " balls" to make the move to split.

In my second relationship/marriage, I ended it because there was abuse going on; marriage counselling didn't help (it doesn't in domestic violence cases because the problem isn't within the relationship - it lies within the abuser who has an overwhelming need to exercise power and control) and there was the well being of a young child to consider.

In my opinion, men act like ostriches with their heads in the sand about things that aren't working in the relationship, and then act all surprised and hurt when the woman finally calls a halt.

It seems that they don't hear, or attach any importance to, a woman articulating that from her perspective things are not going well, that issues need attention or else a break-up is likely.

I don't know why men want to ignore obvious red flags; maybe they don't have the nerve to face the challenge of working something through - its too hard; it requires that they'll have to open up, communicate, be willing to be vulnerable. Or they might have to alter the 'status quo' which might have been working in their favour.

Maybe they're being dismissive about a woman's concerns, putting it down to her being too emotional, not rational or logical, or that its because it's 'that time of the month'. Perhaps they hope that if they ignore it, it will all blow over and everything will be honky-dory again.

Well, guys - hate to tell you this... but not facing up to it is the surest path you could ever take to a split. And by not wanting to deal with the small stuff, you end up cutting off your nose to spite your face and losing the whole relationship.

Mars and Venus on Sex

I've been reading and hearing different perspectives on the role of sex in committed relationships and it seems there's a difference in attitude between men and women.

According to what I've read, (some) men feel that women participating in sex with them is an affirmation that she's saying "I love you", and that the absence of sex means she is indifferent.


Some say that by committing to a relationship, especially a marriage, a man has the right to sex on demand - that that is the one benefit a man gains in committing to a monogamous relationship.   


Some even go so far as to say that a woman in a marriage has no right to with-hold sex; that if she does, its part of a power play and she's using sex to control her partner.

I'm going to leave aside the issues of personal, physical and emotional sovereignty and a woman's right to decide where, when and with whom she shares her body - those principles should be a given, especially in a 21st Century world.

  
There's an adage that says that my responsibility for my words and actions ends with the doing and the saying.   How someone perceives them is not anything I can control, is their choice and their responsibility...

So a man's perception that a woman choosing not to engage with them in sex means that she is indifferent (to him and/or the relationship) is just that - his perception, not necessarily her intention or the reality...

In my opinion, women generally don't think that having sex is the primary way of saying 'I love you' and not engaging in sex does not mean she is indifferent.   This  comes back to the 'need sex versus want sex' argument where the two genders apparently also see things from different perspectives...

There are many, many different reasons why a woman might not want to engage in sex with her partner.   And many, many of those reasons don't have anything at all to do with him personally, so why he would take her expression of reluctance personally, I don't know.

Most women pour their expression of love for their mate (and their families if they have one) into doing the things they do for that person - besides usually having a job, running a household (research tells us women still do the majority of housework), cooking anything at all, let alone a more than basic meal, doing laundry, matching socks, ironing shirts, going to see sports games they aren't interested in, running errands, grocery shopping, picking up the dry-cleaning, taking the kids to the doctor, remembering special occasions, organising birthday and holiday get-togethers... 

Women don't necessarily do these things because they 'have to', or because they love doing them - who wants to be an unpaid char lady or PA, after all?    They do them because they are nurturing and caring for their partners and families, trying to make life more liveable for the person(s) they love, maintaining the life that is the arena for/reflection of the relationship.   And yes, men contribute similarly to a shared life. 

My point is that actions speak louder than words and the positive effects of these ongoing actions (if one is conscious and not taking them for granted as one's right or expectation within the 'roles' of the relationship) I would say are more pervasive and enduring than sex.

I know many women who do not feel cherished and validated in the relationship, especially when things have been difficult all day, there is tension, there has been little or no positive emotional connection.   Then their mate comes up to them in the evening and proposes that they have sex, often using the argument that it will help them feel closer, that it will 'feed' the relationship, the 'us'... 

It's still all coming back to it being a case of the male need and the male idea/style of building and maintaining relationship being the one that is set as the standard to be adopted...

I just cant help feeling that this male perspective is a very 'self-centred' one. Maybe that egocentricity is male hard-wiring?   It reminds me a little of my sons when they were around 4 years old - at the developmental stage where everything is still about them, that the world and everything that happens in it is directly related to their existence, and what they want, they want now... and they can't/won't accept willingly, reasons why that is not possible or appropriate...