Things I Have Learned...

"One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it.   If you do that, you will double the danger.   But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half."

~Winston Churchill 

OK then... after a week of turning my back on a problem I knew existed, I took the bull by the horns a couple of days ago and checked the bank account to see what had caused the quite rapid and unexpected dissipation of my funds...

And in doing so, I found out what happens when I forget that a particular chunk of money now goes into one account AND that now I have to transfer it to the working account to cover my outgoings... 

The credit union was helpful and understanding (though not as helpful and understanding as I would have liked!) AND still the results are not pleasing! 

A substantial correction is called for, please Universe...

The positive that has emerged from this financial mess?

I learned that I have finally let go of the need to internally slam myself for days and nights on end, for my oversight, for adding to the difficulties we are experiencing...

I learned that I can finally be understanding and compassionate with myself for being human and not perfect... 

 

 

 

 

Forgive & Forget...

 

"Forgiveness, the first step and binding obligation of non-violence, hangs by a silver cord of love, high in the vault of the cosmos.

 

 

Slender and fine that thread, and woven of four sacred actions of the soul -- mnemon, anamnesis, amnesia, and amnasthakai...

 

 

Memnon -- mindfulness, that which knows. 

 

Anamnesis -- not-not-remembering, the re-call and recitation of what is true, a form of prayer.

 

Amnesia -- not-remembering, the letting go of what does not serve...

 

Amnasthakai -- amnesty, purposely not recalling and reciting, not bringing up again what is past...

 

 

By these deep and sacred actions of the soul do the possibilities of forgiveness hang...

Tonight, breathe forgiveness... 

 

Breathe it in for all that you bear against yourself... 

 

 

Breathe it out, for all that you bear against another... 

 

 

This is the spiritual practice by which a soul can move toward its intentions to the path of non-violence."

 

I offer to all those whom I have hurt in word, deed, thought or omission my deepest regret and sorrow, and ask for your forgiveness...

 

And I offer love and forgiveness to all those who have injured me in any way...

 

 

Seriously!

 

NAMASTE

 

 

 

Friday...

Thanks for the good wishes/prayers people...

Outcome of today's court hearing is:

I'm restrained (for now) from taking the boy to Australia to live...

His dad and I go to trial in a couple of months to fight it out...

In the meantime, we will probably have to undergo a parenting evaluation, with the boy being questioned...

And on January 13 I have to go defend myself against contempt of court charges because I won't physically force the boy to go visit with his dad, I have to argue why his dad ought not succeed in his motion to pay less towards the boy's care and I have to convince the judge there's still a need for the Protection Order...

I had hoped this part of the journey was over...

Still things to discover and expand into, obviously...

Interesting times...

It has occurred to me that I am being asked to find a different way of relating to boy's father...

Perhaps that's why I chose not to go on the attack in the hearing...

Though it did feel like I was fighting with one hand tied behind my back, not feeling I was free/it would do any good to articulate some of the understandings I have about our situation/that have driven my choices at each crossroad on this journey...

Not sure a judge, constrained by rules and regulations and legislation that is so uni-dimensional, firstly would understand, and secondly be able to issue Orders that would honour the realities of this situation as I see them...

Boy's father's attorney was making a meal of the "fact" of our "homelessness" and 'instability"...

In all of this, we have never been without a warm roof over our heads, food in our bellies, clothes on our backs, a vehicle to get around in and access to health care etc...

Not sure a judge would be sympathetic to my view that we are on an 'adventure' and that the gift of this "homelessness" is the connection and insights we are gathering from being able to live in community with other people, all doing life differently... 

Weirdly, on some level, I am OK with all of this...

I know it's about stuff happening on multiple levels, inner, interpersonal, and on a community/societal level... 

and it needs to play out to the end...

"Focus on the journey, not the destination. 

Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it."

~Quaker quote

If I Wasn't A Feminist...

...I'd say (today) that "Life's A Bitch"!

and that's because, while it's Friday and I usually love Fridays, I've got a bad case of the blues...

Maybe it's perimenopause clashing with pre-menstrual tension over the past few days, with a period finally starting today (three months since the last one - too much information???!)... 

Maybe it's the state of the world as it presents itself to me through the lens of the web...

Maybe it's overwhelm at having to adjust to more change, yet again...

Maybe it's fear that I don't yet know how this next change is going to unfold...

Maybe it's because I have conflicting feelings about what I want and where I want to be, and I haven't figured out how to resolve that - no clear path has presented itself yet that would allow the maximum amount of happiness, with the minimum amount of effort, for us all...

Maybe it's the internal critic that's mad at me for creating some of my own problems, and then being so slow to implement solutions that are, in themselves, not difficult...

Maybe it's because I want to forgive my son's father and let go of the past AND I'm still angry and blaming him...

Maybe it's because I'd love to go back to bed with a good book and pretend I have no responsibilities and that life will take care of itself and my child while I read and sleep...

Maybe it's because I'm stuck in a psychological Catch-22 - mad at myself that I won't give myself permission to go back to bed with a book, because that would mean wasting more time, with the mess getting bigger... And at the same time, knowing pretty much for certain that I won't deal with much of what needs dealing with today anyway!

Maybe it's because there's not enough sweetness in my life, and I ate the last bit of chocolate yesterday!

Maybe it's because I don't know if my friends' baby boy has arrived safely in the world - no word since yesterday afternoon...

Maybe it's because the frogs' bowl needs cleaning out...

Maybe it's because our temporary laundry-bedroom is filled with mess and storage boxes that are waiting for me to deal with the "junk in the trunk" of my van... paperwork that needs sorting, filing, shredding... an energy drain that I would rather just dump because most of it has absolutely no relevance for me any more, to the NOW... and all I want to do is live in the NOW... but the 'system', 'society' says we can't just live in the NOW... that the past and future are important... but the past and future DON'T EXIST...

Maybe it's because every day here now, I can feel that our being here is an issue for one member of the household, and the sooner we leave the sooner that person's peace of mind will be restored... so there's pressure to leave, conflicting with internal resistance at yet another change, and the pressure of not feeling 'ready'...

Maybe it's because I'm feeling pressure to get rid of all of our stuff in storage - in some ways, more "junk in the trunk" and an energy and financial drain... and yet I am hanging on to it...

Maybe it's because it's a week or so until school starts, and I don't yet know if or what school I shall send my son to, or whether I can/will follow through with the idea of unschooling him...

Maybe it's because if I do send him to school, he'll need a ridiculously large amount of "school supplies" that will take time, energy and money to acquire, most of which won't really help him "learn" anyway...

Maybe it's the weight of worrying about whether I'm putting in enough time and energy and attention into raising/being present with my child... maybe I should spend the energy I put into social change activities and helping other people into our own/his life...

Maybe it's a combination of happiness, jealousy and envy that one of my friends has just divested herself of most of her belongings and flown off into the sunset for a new adventure;   maybe it's worry for her that when I did the same 7.5 years ago, the adventure proved to be the most difficult journey of my life, to date...

Maybe it's because I feel I need a haircut, but am torn between getting it cut or persevering with growing it longer, and with going back to colour it despite the time, effort and money that would go into keeping that up... GREY is sexy - LIFE is GREY, after all, not black or white, or blue, or brown, or red, or yellow, or green!

Maybe it's because a 5-year old yesterday asked me why I was fat; I told him people come in all shapes and sizes, and I am short and round... He said it was OK, not to worry because I was only medium fat - that a whale was fatter than me!

Maybe, maybe, maybe it's none of these and/also/or a myriad of other things...

Maybe it just is...

PS: and in this very moment of now, my son and I are warm, dry, fed, clothed, clean, housed and in the company of loving human beings... LIFE IS GOOD...

PPS: 11 April 2012... Peri-menopause still sucks!

It's a Wednesday, not a Friday, AND I'm in the same space pretty much as in this post... 

same scenario, different geographic location...

the baby arrived safe and sound...

friend had her adventure in the sun (minus a happy ending) and is on her way back to Seattle...

van still full...

boy not in school...

waiting for judge's decision as to whether I can take boy back to Australia...

AND we are never in the same space...

we are journeying up a spiral...

I am not the same person I was when I wrote this post...

I again have the chance, this time around, to look all about me, up and down, and gain new, deeper, more profound insights...

Revenge???

So, I'm sitting here, fuming, frustrated, fed-up and freezing, wondering what there is I can do to deal with this craziness about having the thermostat locked away inside a plastic box, so I can't warm the house beyond what my housemates have decided is OK...

And really, there is not much that I can, in honour, do...

I can smash the lock box and turn up the thermostat - am thinking about it, but then we get into the possibility that they'll match violence with violence, either against me or our stuff, and/or that they'll call the police...

I can steal or damage their property, hoping it will give me leverage to get them to unlock the thermostat so I can be warm... same risks...

I can rant and rave and throw things... makes me look crazy

I can just give in...

It was the same when my housemates moved my possessions down into the garage and put all their art work on the walls, leaving no space for mine...

I could have hauled all my stuff back up the stairs...

I could have taken their art work down...

I could have put mine up...

I could have left theirs up, and filled every last square inch of wall space with mine, regardless of the aesthetics of that...

Gandhi said: "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind"...

And what's that truism about two wrongs not making a right?

None of these options could be implemented without me seeming to be vindictive, without adding to the energetics of abuse, disrespect, without escalating this battle for power and control...

And yet, there is no denying I have a right to be warm and comfortable in the space I pay for us to live in, using utilities I have already paid for, just as Connor and I have the right to make our surroundings feel like our home too...

And in all of this, Connor is watching to see how to handle conflict in a healthy manner...

I've been playing a game called Balance on Bejewelled, where you have to collect equal numbers of red and blue gems, all the time keeping two tubes balanced so one doesn't reach the bottom before the other.

I've come to understand, in the last few weeks, that this is what life is about - keeping the balance...

In this world of duality and paradox, there are two driving forces - love and fear, expansion and contraction... and it's not a case of either/or, it's a case of and/also...

They don't necessarily have a qualitative value attached to them (we humans might assign them values, but Life itself does not).   They are not good and evil, positive and negative, black and white... they just are... and harmony exists when they are in balance...

So for me, the object of living well is to maintain balance...

And, if my housemates' action is symbolised by a red gem, for example... to stay in balance, harmony, I have to put forward a blue gem... putting forward another red gem (an act of revenge, of power and control, of abuse) will create imbalance and disharmony... 

My question to myself is - what will a blue gem action or state of mind/attitude look like?

 

How can I solve this problem, stay in integrity and not become a victim?   I can be compassionate, I can be understanding, I can be forgiving.... but... I'm still bloody cold sitting at 55F inside my own home in the middle of a Seattle winter!