Summer Solstice 2012...

... lots been churning, burning, inside myself over the past weeks and months - half a dozen 'works-in-progress' posts sitting in the draft queue...

and none of it is ready to be put out into the world yet...

so, I shall communicate what I can...

AND wish you all a happy, happy solstice - may the sun bring us all sanity, peace and joy as we celebrate the longest day and move into summer here in the northern hemisphere...

  

and for my children moving into the dark of winter in the antipodes, I say: "I love you and I miss you, as does the boy..."

 

Namaste

Birthday Present Registry...

Dear Universe...

you know it's my birthday soon, right?

(AND the boy's birthday 27 days later, right?)...

AND you know it'll be the start of my first adult year (as per the medicine wheel) right? 

Well, all I want for my birthday this year, is a long term HOME (on Vashon) for me and the boy and the cats, with our stuff in it/out of storage, with the means to live there in comfort, with ease, dignity and grace...

We're done with the gypsying - grateful for the experience, thank you...

AND storage fees go up on the 1st July...

AND we have better things to spend our money on...

so, there you go - that's my birthday wish/intention...

AND so it is... Blessings Be... AUM...

PS:
oh, AND an all expenses paid, all needs/desires met, indefinite sojourn on a sunny, sandy beach with shade when and where I want it, would be good about now...

AND you'll have to sort out the visitation/passport/travel issues to make that happen so that the boy can come too...

How about it, Life?

WOW - thanks...

A Life Well Lived...

 

 

"This is what you shall do;

Love the Earth and Sun and the animals,

despise riches,

give alms to every one that asks,

stand up for the stupid and crazy,

devote your income and labor to others,

hate tyrants,

argue not concerning God,

have patience and indulgence toward the people,

take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men,

go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families,

read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life,

re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book,

dismiss whatever insults your own soul,

and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body."

~ Preface to 1855 edition of Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman

 

 

 

Paradoxes...

and the question is, how long can we keep this going?

LYRICS:

Welcome to your life
There's no turning back
Even while sleep
We will find you
Acting on your best behaviour
Turn your back on mother nature
Everybody wants to rule the world
It's my own design
It's my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world
There's a room where the light won't find you
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down
When they do I'll be right behind you
So glad we've almost made it
So sad they had to fade it
Everybody wants to rule the world
I can't stand this indecision
Married with a lack of vision
Everybody wants to rule the world
Say that you'll never never never need it
One headline why believe it ?
Everybody wants to rule the world
All for freedom and for pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world 

IF we don't like what we are experiencing...

THEN we need to change - ourselves ...

AND in the changing of ourselves, the experience will change...

 

SO...

WHAT, AND WHEN, WILL YOU CHANGE?

Ethos...

... so, you thought you arrived at your beliefs about life, all by yourself, eh?

... and you thought you were free?

T Minus 8 Hours & Counting...

OK Life, Universe, the Meaning of It All...

TODAY, before 5pm, would be a good time for the next step to show up...

Man of the house has just reminded me that today's the day we agreed boy and I would leave by, and said that if I didn't follow through by 5pm, there will be an "ugly scene" and "consequences"...

$$$$$ and next shelter required NOW...

I know there are millions in the same or worse boats AND...

AND I will not cry and panic in front of the boy...

Change of scenery will be good and distance is the great refresher...

Where is that 'change-of-scene' place and how to get there by 5pm today?

$3.00 in the bank, boy, 2 cats, two van-fulls worth of stuff, no gas in the van...

My brain so fried.... stay out of victim mode.... stay open for/to what's coming...

AND I'm not angry at him...

We have had a long time here and he and his wife have been very generous and accepting...

AND he and she have their own dance to work out in this...

AND we did have an agreement...

AND I have been making choices/holding out for something he has a judgement about, in that he thinks beggars ought not to be choosers...

AND and I see and accept that from him, seeing it's his (and his wife's) energy that has sheltered and fed us...

AND I HAVE contributed to the household (sharing what I have had in cash/food AND mostly in ways he doesn't recognise and value)...

AND he has a son he can't influence to make better choices...

AND he can't/won't put the hard word on his son's friend's who have crashed here long term...

AND he's worried about his job security and his wife changing jobs...

AND they have their own money worries...

AND I have been dragging my feet in dealing with having to take the next step - fear, overwhelm, confusion, burn-out, inner-child fear, hurt, anger and stubbornness, wanting to hide, wanting to be rescued...

AND this is wrapped up in my stuff around getting boy's father to honour and respect me and to show that by supporting me in raising the boy, to stop playing the power-and-control with-holding money and resources game...

AND he doesn't/won't realise that he's hurting his own son in this...

AND this must be what my mother faced/felt as she slowly killed herself through overwork walking this path, raising my sister and me through our teenage years without our father meeting any of his parental obligations, taking whatever low-paid menial work she could get to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs...

AND she died when she was 60, sick and sore, still working her arse off to pay a mortgage on a tiny home that reminded her of the houses in Holland...

AND I'm almost 54 and have turned my back on realities (relationships, life paths) in which I/we had secure housing and our physical needs met...

AND boy's father hasn't healed from his relationship with his (now dead) abusive mother...

... just as my father never healed from his relationship with his abusive mother... 

... ... just as the husband in this house hasn't healed from his dysfunctional relationship with his mother...

... ... ... just as the boy's father's lawyer hasn't healed from his dysfunctional relationship with his mother - he barked at me in court that "you're just like my mother"...

AND, AND, AND...