Freedom...

LYRICS:

All my life I have searched for clues
This is what they taught me
Every mystery I pursued
Was a secret I already knew
Deep down you know - in your soul
Love is in control
Oh, if you could find the angel within
Time, time to have faith in your wings

Free - everybody's free
In the new day that's coming
Freedom for all is our destiny

Every stone that I left unturned
Soon came back to haunt me
Every fall, every finger burned
Was a step on the road to truth
That I am you - my soul
You are not alone
Oh, when your heart is turned to stone
Love, love is the only way home

Free - everyone's free
In the new day that's coming
Freedom for all is our destiny

Free - everything's free
In the new day that's coming
Freedom for all is our destiny

Freedom from shame
Freedom from fear
Freedom to live - it's your right to be here

(Voice-over)
Unity of minds... unity of hearts... one sole sensation... no longer a coincidence...
Overwhelming energy... channelled... through universal language allows the personal legend to unfold

 

A Woman's Gift...

... to humanity is to bring life into the world...

You'd think that would command some modicum of respect...

But... apparently it doesn't...

 

 

Not quite sure why it's like this - perhaps men have womb envy... which really is their problem to sort out...

So what are women supposed to do?

  

 

 

 

All For One...

... And One For All...

Buckminster Fuller said one could not change the system by tweaking it... 

So it's not about FIXING or changing anything that exists now... 

He said one had to build a new system to run parallel with the old as the old was falling into obsolescence... 

That - in my opinion - is what we would be well served focusing on...

Building something new... no demands, no begging, no negotiations...

Step out of the system, do our own thing, differently...

Build something that works for us and the planet, and gradually dissolve the toxic nightmare that is the modern world... 

The oligarchy really can't stop us - there's not enough room in the jails and the camps for all of us...

Who Are You?

... Are you one of us?

We are the 99%

We speak up for the 99.9% of the WORLD

If you care, you should come

If you are homeless, you should come

If you love the planet, you should come

If you are unemployed, you should come

If you have a mortgage, you should come

If you have been laid off, you should come

If you have a credit card, you should come

If you have student debt, you should come

If you are sick of the drug war, you should come

If you have been a victim of crime, you should come

If you doubt the mainstream media, you should come

If you think our democracy is broken, you should come

If your house has been foreclosed on, you should come

IF YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR REAL CHANGE, YOU SHOULD COME

If you are struggling to pay all your bills, you should come

If you have been a victim of police brutality, you should come

If you are worried that you will lose your job, you should come

If you lost your savings in the economic crash, you should come

If you have a university degree but can't use, it you should come

If you have been denied a pension you deserve, you should come

If you are a small business owner who is struggling, you should come

If you have a child and care about its future, you should definitely come

If you are willing to ditch your labels and work together, you should come

If you want to take part in a global movement for change, you should come

If your sense of Decency and Humanity has been offended by people who make decisions about your life without your permission, WE'LL SEE YOU THERE

WE ARE THE 99%

 

AND WE SHALL BE HEARD...

Keeping My Eye On The Prize...

Tough few hours today...

Went into the city to file papers at the court house:

• Notice of Intention to Relocate (to Australia),
• Proposed Amended Parenting Plan, and
• Motion to Convert a Separation to A Dissolution... whew...

Oh, and swallowed my pride and applied to be considered a pauper, so that I didn't have to pay the filing fees (turned out later there were none)...

Sat in the Ex Parte court room, waiting for the Commissioner to make a decision on the In Forma Pauperis application...

She and her clerk got their knickers in a knot because apparently I had used the wrong forms - forms I had downloaded off the Court website!

Then she took a cursory look at the history of this case - six years of horribleness - and got it all wrong, thought I was - or should be - swimming in resources...

I tried to clarify what she had misunderstood without much success... When I get stressed, PTSD and perimenopausal fog make it hard for me to think and articulate clearly what needs to be said...

She was in a hurry and didn't want to listen to my tale of woe, and, deciding I had enough resources to pay the $56 filing fee, denied my application...

As I said, it didn't matter in the end because there was no filing fee... but she didn't have to be such a bitch about it all...

It's really hard moving between the world I'm working with others to create (which has no regard for all of this crap and doesn't recognise the validity of it) and then being pulled back into this one, to get procedural and legal issues - which do still have power over me/us - cleared up...

It took a huge effort to keep my mouth shut, and not give her a lecture about what life is like in the real world for so many people...

Then I tried to serve the papers on my ex-husband's attorney...

He wasn't in his office and none of the office staff would accept the papers and give me a receipt proving I had served them...

Called the attorney, left a message, and shall try again tomorrow...

And if all goes to plan, will be divorced by the middle of next week, and two steps closer to leaving this country WITH my son...

... patience, fortitude, inner calm...

And really, not much of my angst is/was about the process or the bitchy judge... it is/was about the journey with my son's father and the grief of unfulfilled hopes and wishes and dreams...

I'm Not Moving...

... many of us are not moving...

In 1492...

... Columbus sailed the ocean blue...

Response...

My post yesterday impelled Angelique to respond...

Which was a lovely gift, because her expression of caring and concern in turn solidified some thinking/feeling, settled an ambivalence I had been feeling about the journey as it's been unfolding...

Angelique said...

Plan "B" ... is more I think ... we'll see how it goes form here ... ;)

 

Hope you can make a decission because what I read out of your story ..... well ..... you aren't doing well.

 

Moving house again and again...having no place of your own.

 

Could you have a place of your own Down Under? Or would you be in the same situation?

 

Take care. Wish I could help you...

 

 

Sahila said...

Angelique..... thank you so much for your response and for your caring....

 

Whenever I get on my "pity-pot" and feel sorry for myself and my son, I remind myself of all the blessings we do have, and that the NOW is all there is - I/we could be dead in the next minute...

 

In the NOW, we have absolutely everything we need - people who love us, a warm, dry roof over our heads, clothes/shoes to wear, food to eat, even a vehicle with enough petrol in the tank to get us to wherever we want to go today...

 

We have far more even than that - we have toys, books, music, film/videos, a computer, the internet and choice...

 

I have a good brain, am able to articulate and write what I think and feel and KNOW and (still) have some freedom to express that...

 

All of which is much, much more than most of the world's other people have... So, in the NOW - which is all there really is - what have I got to bitch about? Any complaining I do, is ingratitude...

 

It's funny, because the Tarot card for yesterday (when I wrote this post), which I didn't look at till this morning, was the 5 of Pentacles and the interpretation that came with it was this:

 

"The Five of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in DEFIANCE. We are willing to reject the sure thing or accept excommunication to try to make it on our own rather than endure the status quo or submit to conditions that assume we are invisible -- in this, we have nothing to lose. We accept responsibility for the difficulties ahead and do not seek pity for having chosen against the grain. I am empowered by mutual support and my assets are self-worth, hope, and pride." ...

 

I'm finding my way to a new place in life - as we all are, which is manifesting right now in the #Occupy movement that is spreading across the US and internationally...

 

And that new place is about not having any attachment to situation, places, things... but living in the NOW and our primary relationships being with people and other creatures and the planet...

 

Everything else is a distraction...

 

And my difficulty has been stepping fully into that space - the spirit is willing but the ego is weak, or rather, strong! - and taking my son into that world with me...

 

I've been feeling ambivalence about taking him so far out of the mainstream - which is the only path that FEELS right for me - and a fear that I am not giving him the values, tools and place he needs to operate in the current paradigm...

 

And as I write this, and I "feel" it and I look back on how far I have already come, I realise that he's my son and came into my life at this time in my evolution because this is his journey too... he needs me to make way for him into the new future so many of us are working for...

 

It's no longer the world for which I raised my other children... My son - and his generation - will be growing into a new world, that the #Occupy advocates are working on creating now... and he and I are part of that...

 

If I/we could be with them in New York, I/we would be...

I'm filled with excitement and anticipation at where this path is taking us... even though I have no clear sense of where/how that is/will be!

 

 

"The Five of Pentacles is often understood as a perilous Tarot card, signifying a tough time, financial hardship and struggle.

 

The Five of Pentacles recalls the ups and downs of our relationships. All couples have their biorhythms, so to speak. When the Five of Pentacles appears, it suggests things are tough but you can weather the storm. These struggles are precisely the moments that define you as a couple. That with the bitter comes the sweet. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

 

The beauty and hope thriving within the Five of Pentacles card comes via the bright light shimmering through the stained glass window above the couple. Salvation is possible should they choose to seek it.

 

Should the the Five of Pentacles appear for you and you happen to be going through a tough time, let it stand as a reminder things will get better. You will make it through stronger, tougher and wiser..."

 

~ Tarot Diva - Five Of Pentacles

 

 

 

 

Plan "A" Isn't Going To Plan & Plan "B" Is Nowhere To Be Seen!

I've noticed that a lot of people have been checking the post titled "Plan A"...

Plan A

And I notice Plan A was written 9 months ago, today!!!

9 months' gestation and what do I have to show for the pregnancy?

Definitely not the "baby" Plan A was intended to give birth to!

What have I/we been doing?

• Turned 53 and boy turned 8; girls turned 31 and 29 respectively

• Moved house again TWICE with a third move coming up ASAP

First move (March) was necessary because things were not going well in the house-sharing situation, due to conflict and senior house-mate being diagnosed with terminal cancer and dying (written about here and here)!

Lucky enough to immediately score a house-sitting gig for four months... 

Owners of first house came back for the summer, which made a second move necessary...

Second move (July) we were trial-running the idea of co-housing/intentional community...

Three adults, three boy children (aged 5, 7 and 8), three cats, three hens, one rooster and two frogs (now deceased!) all sharing a three bedroom house...

Interesting experience... can't give it a "quality" label - it just is...

Seeing an only child mix with two siblings who are very different in energy and temperament...

Experiencing two women, separated in age by a whole generation, sharing a kitchen and laundry and child care/supervision...

Watching house cat and interlopers dance/skirmish around territory issues (like the two women and the children)...

Watching the male adult act as go-between in the dynamic...

Finally having a discussion about where everyone's at, and acknowledging that one of the women needs her own space and family's privacy back... 

So we need to find somewhere else to be while we figure out whether to stay here or go back to Australia...

Will be fourth move in a year - hence very little excitement and enthusiasm!

• Won a 3-day, 2-night sail on a Tall Ship - the Adventuress - out of Friday Harbour in the San Juans - a late birthday gift for the boy, who wouldn't admit he was having fun until the second day, and when he's mad at me, still says it was a horrible experience ... I thought it was great!   Seven years in the US and we haven't been to the islands nor more than about 100 miles in any direction from Seattle... 

• Two days into the new school year, took boy out of school and we are now "unschooling"... 

Four things happened in those two days that convinced me that what I had been contemplating for the past couple of years was the right thing to do... 

Boy much happier, doesn't miss it, starting to get some initiative happening over what he wants to do, friends say they've never seen him so relaxed and outgoing...

I need to fine-tune how I do my day, so that I give him more time and attention and we do more things together...

• Spent most of the past 9 months working on social justice/change issues... been quite successful, judging by some of the response:

• Was offered a job as campaign manager for someone wanting to be elected to the local school board...

Thought it would be cool and fun and easy (using all my skills) and worthwhile...

Schoolhouse - OUR House:

Learning Together in Truth, Trust and Transparency

Three weeks later (this week) - fired myself...

Here's why:

"Hi M....

I've been sitting on this for a while and today is the day I had to make a choice...

I'm sorry, but I can't work on this campaign after all (and it's very hard to say that, given that I like you, I want S out of the District AND we really, really NEED the money, especially now)...

I haven't been able to do my best work for you, apart from coming up with your mission/value tagline and starting on your social media stuff...

None of this work should be a big deal for me, but it has been...

I have been trying to figure out why over the past week...

First I thought I was pissy because there were too many fingers in the pie and it's all very disorganised and its so hard to get to any outcomes

Then I thought it was because I was feeling like you couldn't let go and let me do my job and you were not listening to/accepting my expertise

Then I thought that me being a paid employee was getting in the way - I don't do well in hierarchies where my 3D/financial survival depends on me doing what I am told/delivering an agreed outcome...

But none of that is true, because I have delivered amazing work for clients/employers under all of these conditions...

Then I thought it was me being lazy and wanting money for nothing(!!!) and/or that I was too overwhelmed with my own stuff to have any energy left over for this project...

Today, I finally realised that I can't/won't do this work because it still perpetuates the current system operating in the world, and I am now so completely un-aligned with that, that it pains me to even try to work for/in this paradigm...

I have taken C out of school because I disagree what our education system does to our kids... and yet in helping you, I am helping to perpetuate that system...   You and the other Board members might make things better than they are now, but you will not fundamentally change how we treat children and how we prepare them for life...

Buckminster Fuller said you cant fix a system by changing it... that you have to create a system that runs alongside it that will gradually overtake/replace the obsolete system...

I need to be working to pull down the old and build something completely new, as the Wall Street Occupiers are doing - working in a completely different paradigm...

I am sorry for any inconvenience and disruption my decision causes, and if this leaves you feeling abandoned...

I will call you tomorrow morning (Friday) to give us both a chance to get to closure on this...

Thanks for giving me the chance to clarify even further where I need to be putting my energies...

Namaste

Sahila

• Still doing the dance with boy's father over money (father not paying) and visitation (boy won't go) - seriously not fun

• Still having issues with procrastination/lack of motivation, feelings of overwhelm and not knowing what to do for the best - trying to live Rainer Maria Rilke's advice about living our way to the answers

So - there you have it... an abbreviated recap of a rich, intense, full journey and not one step closer to being back in Australia...

Learning, growing, maybe becoming wiser...

LYRICS:

Daylight
See the dew on the sunflower
And a rose that is fading
Roses whither away
Like the sunflower
I yearn to turn my face to the dawn
I am waiting for the day . . .

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Every streetlamp
Seems to beat a fatalistic warning
Someone mutters
And the streetlamp gutters
And soon it will be morning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I musn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is

Look
A new day has begun

What's next Universe, seeing I don't have a Plan B?