Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa...

There's an adage that says that for every finger we point at someone else, there are three pointing back at us...

Try it - point your forefinger accusingly at someone... 

Look at your hand - three fingers pointing back at yourself...

And as my friend December commented today: "We're all mirrors. Should you not like what you see in others, then it's time to re-examine what you're reflecting."

Which, coincidentally was what I've been thinking about since yesterday's horrible row with my housemates...

1:  What's my responsibility in this mess?

2:  What echos of old wounds am I hearing/feeling?

3:  Who does my housemate represent in my old, unresolved dramas?

4: How am I behaving/treating others in ways similar to my housemate?

5: What maladaptive behaviour do I do to hide my insecurities from myself and others...

 

The second and third questions are easily answered -  my housemate carries the astrological energy of my father and some of the behaviours of my mother... 

And like most of us, I still have some processing, releasing and integrating to do of old crap that comes from having experienced their dysfunctional relationship dynamics and parenting...

Question 1 is also not hard to answer, if I'm willing to be truthful with myself...

In addition to some physical issues that mess with my biology and mood and some emotional hangovers from really stressful experiences, I'm stuck in a place of stubborn resistance to the changes that have occurred in my life over the past 8.5 years...

I said "yes" to something to which I could have said "no", and I'm mad at myself for that.   I saw the red flags and I knew it was going to be a very hard journey and I chose to go along with it anyway... (And the gifts of going on this journey include my wonderful younger son, as well as uncovering toxic patterns that have played out in my family over many generations, and the chance to use that knowledge and decide it stops with me... which is great and sucks at the same time!)

I went into survival mode to deal with domestic violence and breast cancer (which were happening at the same time) and I took care of us (my son and I) and daily business, but had to leave dealing with the emotional fall out until our safety needs were met... The domestic violence triggered echos of abuse in my family when I was young, that has never really been dealt with.   Now that we are no longer in day-to-day crisis, I'm finally feeling the emotional storm and it's no fun!

I have an inner critic that says at 52, I ought to have my life in order - look at what I had way back then and look at what my life is now... It's certainly not in order - instead, it's in complete chaos...    

The critic conveniently ignores the fact that I was living my former life on "auto-pilot", with very little consciousness and no authenticity.   Yes, it was full of the normal 'stuff' and activity and I had my other children, but otherwise it was pretty much empty... 

In fact, that emptiness became so all engulfing that I knew that if I didn't change, my spirit would die.

Do you remember those old cathode-tube televisions? Remember how when you turn them off, that white dot gets smaller and smaller until it disappears into the blackness?

Well, I felt like I was that white dot, and if I didn't change my life, fast, I would completely disappear into that bottomless, endless black hole...

And while I tell other people - my clients - we all do the best we can with what we've got, my inner critic won't allow that truism to apply to me.   

And what makes me so special that it shouldn't apply to me too, you ask?   Nothing at all, so I need to ease up on me...

And there's value in learning to be comfortable with chaos (which my housemate is not - there's one of the reflections I am for her)... All of creation comes out of primordial chaos, so expand within yourself until you can love and honour and completely embrace the chaos.

All healing takes its own time, so be patient  and loving with self as Self seeks out wholeness.

But, in this household I and my 7-year old share with another "alpha" female, her 20-year old daughter and her 31-year old son (downstairs in a lovely self-contained, new, 2-bedroom apartment - where, logically,  my son and I ought to be living!), there's no time and space to do this healing organically.   

According to my control-freak housemates (it takes one to know one!), my "chaos" (which is confined to our two bedrooms) completely ruins the feng shui of the house and they just want me to get my shit together, to stop being a "fat, lazy slob"...

And we've never had the conversation about how we each like to take care of a house - what's "normal" and comfortable for each family, what housekeeping routines we have, how to split up chores...

Thank you, "spiritually advanced" beings, for your patience and understanding - remind me to be equally kind the next time you go through a hard patch in your life!

But they do have a point - I've been slow to get my act together...

In my defence, in the past, I've had a partner and family to help move, and when I didn't have them, I paid young college women to help me pack and clean and unpack.   There's been very little of that assistance this time and certainly no offers from my housemates, who have a large extended family to call on to help meet their own needs and life changes/challenges...

And I'm just plain tired - tired of the crap, tired of the process, tired of change, tired of a sick and dysfunctional world, even tired of my material "stuff"...

I'm still attached to it, and get some pleasure out of being surrounded by beauty, and at the same time, I can't be bothered with it, am not interested in it, don't want to use precious energy and time maintaining it...

Often I just want to walk away from it all - reduce all we own to one backpack with a change of clothes each and some soap and toothpaste and go "walkabout" without a backward glance... 

And that's a second dilemma - how far into the fringe of western existence to go and still have my son feeling like he "belongs" in the world and has the skills to master it...

I need to give up on my son's father ever doing the right thing - more than the very basic legally required of him - and begin to bring in a regular income myself so that we can live well (in spite of the economic depression!)... 

I need to figure out how to get past my abhorrence of how this world (in its capitalist death throes) operates  so I can transact with it in a sensible manner, so I'm not cutting off my nose to spite my face... 

I need to learn for myself and to teach my son how to be "in" the world but not "of" the world - to do what we need to do to navigate through it, while at the same time planting seeds and preparing for the changes that I know are coming, very fast...

How do I "hide" from my own insecurities?

• I pretend everything's OK
• I shrug off the impact of events... "Breast cancer?   What a girl's got to do to get a tummy tuck around here - otherwise it'd be elective surgery and I couldn't afford it"...
• I indulge in magical thinking - things really aren't so bad, and it'll get better by itself, with no action from me
• I don't ask for help
• I expect things to happen because I "deserve" them
• I do the "ostrich" thing - refuse to open letters, take care of business; then, when I'm finally forced to face it, I find it either isn't nearly as bad as my fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) made out, or it costs me 10 times what it would have cost to deal with it promptly
• I downplay my failures to take responsibility and to stay in integrity
• I don't do what for me would be "big"... much of what I have done in my life would be "big" by others' definitions, but they were comparatively easy for me.   I have steered clear of major stepping up and "success"...
• I give myself excuses and blame life and others for the past, making them the reason for my present, when really many of the choices I've made in the past couple of years have nothing at all to do with anyone else
• I'm lured by the grim seductiveness in the idea of being completely destitute, of falling into complete degeneracy - it would be nice to give up, to not clean, not wash, not take care of business, not interact with the world...

I'm not going to deny that everything that has happened has had an effect - it's all about, and only about, cause and effect...

I'm going to step out of being paralysed by that, of wishing that someone would wave a magic wand and make it all better (too bad I left my wand in the Bardo when I incarnated this time, isn't it?!), of hiding, wishing this horrible world would just go away... 

I'm going to take responsibility - not blame... If it's true there are no such things as mistakes, that everything's a learning experience, then there has to be good in all the choices I've made...

Which reminds that my "enlightenment" moment of awareness was all about Divine Chaos... and the love and joy the Life Force experiences in that chaos...

It was around 1993.   I was newly started on my spiritual journey, sitting in my first meditation class.   I focused on what the leader was saying, following his words in my mind... 

Suddenly, I became aware that my physical boundaries were expanding out and out and out, until after some moments I encompassed  THE ALL THAT EVER WAS, IS NOW, AND EVER WILL BE...

I was all of creation, I was LIFE... I saw/heard/felt/knew everything - I WAS  all knowledge, all knowing... I was infinite and at the same time, all of that was contained within me, within my physical body, sitting there on my hard wooden chair...   

There was no "good" or "bad", no light, no dark, no duality - it all just WAS, and all the Life Force wanted to do was experience itself in all of its infinite potential, through us and the rest of creation,  its infinite manifestations of itself, just for the sheer joy of BEING... If I do this, what happens?   If I do that, what happens?   A Sacred  Dance of Cause and Effect...

I felt my heart and mind and body filled with the most amazing love and awe and pure excitement..... and then I came back to ordinary consciousness...

So our human experience has no objective value attached to it - it just is.   It doesn't define me or who I am - an indestructible, immortal manifestation of the Life Force, an integral part of its essence that's just exploring the "what ifs" of all potential.

MIRROR CARD No. 24 RESPONSIBILITY - 
from “The Mirror Cards – A Powerful Tool to Enhance Your Relationship“
created by Geoff Charley & Lucy Lidell

Take your life in your own hands and what happens?
A terrible thing – no-one to blame. Erica Jong

Taking responsibility means acknowledging, owning and fully stepping into your God-state and power. 

Taking responsibility is the mature acceptance that the only person who controls your life is you.

You’re probably feeling hurt or angry at the cards that life has dealt you, or perhaps you don’t understand why someone is treating you in a particular way.

There’s a tough truth to be learned here that, once understood and consistently applied in all situations, will permanently change your perspective on the world and lead to far more rewarding relationships.

You alone are responsible for everything that’s happening to you.

It is only as children that we are entitled to disclaim responsibility.  As adults we must assume responsibility, or forever remain children.

Right now, it’s time to stop playing the victim, and grow up.  The measure of your maturity is how much responsibility you are prepared to take for this situation.  Yet it seems you are still wanting others to take care of you and your feelings, or wanting to blame them for your difficulties.

Responsibility is the ‘ability to respond’, and that can only come if you take back the power you’ve invested in someone else by being a victim and saying you’re not responsible.  What if you were responsible?  Wouldn’t that give you greater authority?

Whatever feelings you are having, they are your responsibility.  NO-one can make you feel, do or be anything unless you, at some level, choose to do so. 

So step back from the issue and ask yourself:  ‘What part am I playing in this situation?‘

If you are wanting to reject this guidance and are thinking you must have drawn the wrong card, you can be sure that it’s relevant to you.  For a person who takes responsibility would now be searching inside to see how these words are appropriate!

The only payoff for not taking responsibility in this situation is the ability to blame.  But is that such a prize to hold on to?

Recognize that you do have power and you’re big enough to take back the responsibility!   YOU ARE LIFE-GOD...

Namaste...

(the Divine in me recognises and honours the Divine in you)