Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda...

 

 

Working to shake off a severe case of the "coulda, woulda, shoulda saids" over representing myself in this custody/relocation trial (argument finished yesterday - judge to issue written ruling eventually)...

 

I coulda said this... 

 

I shoulda rebutted that...

 

If there had been more time, I woulda highlighted that...

Breathe and let it go... let it go... let it go...

 

Did the best I could with what I had in the circumstances... 

 

What will be, will be... 

 

AND...

 

What if the judge gives custody of the boy to his father???

 

 

 

Forgive & Forget...

 

"Forgiveness, the first step and binding obligation of non-violence, hangs by a silver cord of love, high in the vault of the cosmos.

 

 

Slender and fine that thread, and woven of four sacred actions of the soul -- mnemon, anamnesis, amnesia, and amnasthakai...

 

 

Memnon -- mindfulness, that which knows. 

 

Anamnesis -- not-not-remembering, the re-call and recitation of what is true, a form of prayer.

 

Amnesia -- not-remembering, the letting go of what does not serve...

 

Amnasthakai -- amnesty, purposely not recalling and reciting, not bringing up again what is past...

 

 

By these deep and sacred actions of the soul do the possibilities of forgiveness hang...

Tonight, breathe forgiveness... 

 

Breathe it in for all that you bear against yourself... 

 

 

Breathe it out, for all that you bear against another... 

 

 

This is the spiritual practice by which a soul can move toward its intentions to the path of non-violence."

 

I offer to all those whom I have hurt in word, deed, thought or omission my deepest regret and sorrow, and ask for your forgiveness...

 

And I offer love and forgiveness to all those who have injured me in any way...

 

 

Seriously!

 

NAMASTE

 

 

 

Miracles Do Happen!

I've been making arrangements for us to move out of this house - calling service providers to have my name taken off utility accounts etc...

And while I was making the second call this morning, one of my housemates came up from downstairs and asked to talk...

When I was finished with the call, he said he just wanted to see if we could get to the place where we could have an amicable conversation and ending of this experience...

He said he was sorry for all that had happened and for it having gotten so weird and horrible and out of control, and he acknowledged that his family had been dishing up crap... 

He said his mother had not been herself really since her last illness and that this would never have happened if she had been well...

(I didn't know her very well then, so haven't had prior experience to judge her behaviour, and to give me the insight to make extra allowances)...

WOW...

I thanked him for his courage in opening the dialogue; I know it was not easy for him because I have been wondering how to get back to some sort of civility and respect myself and had not found the way to open the door...

We are still going to move - my housemate's final journey is not something we are part of.   Her son confirmed that he had told her I have gifts to share with her on that journey; he said she seems not open to receiving them at this time...

But at least moving out of here will not be a completely tense and horrid experience, filled with guilt, resentment and regret...

And maybe now I can let go of the long-held belief (lie) that all conflict is always my fault because I'm such an unreasonable, difficult human being!!!