Did You Know...

... that the capacity to 'endure' is VASTLY over-rated?

Enduring this drama...

Someone said to me that other day, that my job right now is to simply 'endure'... and that she marvelled at my capacity to endure... that she didn't know how I was holding it all together...

AND everything that needs to be done is turning into an epic challenge, with seemingly endless roadblocks and obstacles and U-turns...

Holding the reality that a wish to go back to Australia with the boy, has a real chance of turning into me losing custody of him, as his father attempts to paint me an unfit mother...

And what judge - the henchman of the oligarchs - would think me otherwise, looking at our financial and living situation, at my views and choices on "educating" the boy, at my philosophical and political views, at my activism?

What to do to head that off without legal help, without completely turning myself inside out for the system...

What will I do to keep custody of the boy?

What principles will I cave on?

Will it be enough to simply withdraw my Intention to Relocate Notification?

Is that still possible - or have I let things go to far?

And I have to face this - tomorrow... 

Am not 'prepared' in the legal sense because I have no energy or desire to play this game - I just want to go in there, speak my truth and have that accepted...

I'm full, feeling desperate, overwhelmed, on the back foot, confused, bewildered, alone, panic-stricken... 

And yet, I am not the clouds...

I am the always-present sky through which the ever-changing clouds of my emotions form, reform and evaporate as they pass across the sky...

This too, shall pass...

I surrender...

What will be, will be...

(and no, that doesn't mean I give up - it means I give up my desire to control the process and the outcome, I let it unfold...)

 

I Need Help...

 ... and I need it now!

 

 

I know it's a lot to ask...

 

AND I need some help thwarting my son's father's attempt to take custody of the boy by implying I'm an unfit mother...

 

This is/feels much bigger than I can handle by myself... 

 

If you've been reading this blog, you will know this saga has been going on for six years now and I have run out of money, resources and stamina...

All the "free" or "low income" services are snowed under with more demand than they can meet... 

 

So, if anyone knows of a Seattle, Shoreline, Vashon, South Seattle attorney who is willing to do some PRO BONO family law work, would you please let me know ASAP... 

 

Alternatively - If you can/will help me pay a lawyer so that I keep custody of my son, I would be eternally grateful!   I've been told that an attorney would want $US6000 up front to take this on... 

 

I have a donation page set up here: KOHA - Love Offerings

 

With many thanks and much love... knowing that in all things, Thy will, not my will be done...

 

Namaste

 

Sahila

 

 

Incommunicado...

Wow - three days without the internet due to cables being downed by ice and snow, and the world is still here and it appears I haven't missed much!

Really weird watching post office and UPS workers valiantly braving the ice and snow, risking life and limb to keep the mail and parcels delivered - crazy... as though it matters that a letter or parcel is delayed for a couple of days...

Played UNO with the boy and housemates - fun...

More conversation happening...

Some twiddling of thumbs and consideration given to catching up on paperwork, and getting the knitting out of the back of my van... didn't happen!

Realising how much of my communication is with people I have never met!

Boy said he was sorry that the TV/Netflix was down, but not that the internet was because I spent much more time with him.... hmmmmm... have been thinking about the issue of balance and being present to and for him lately... a bit of a shock to have the truth that he is feeling neglected come out of his mouth... 

AND he also is having a hard time with being an only child - me being with him 100% of the time is not possible nor necessarily desirable/healthy and no amount of playdates with other children ever satisfy him...

Realising how much slower and sane the world was before computers and the internet...

Getting back to listening to the radio, and enjoying it very much - though HATE, HATE, HATE that I have to listen to evil GATES FOUNDATION advertisements on National Public Radio...

Back on line now, and no more excuses not to move certain parts of my life forward and to take care of outstanding business!!!

Watch out world!

 

Dreams For 2011...

Late/early to bed on New Year's morning, with a couple of glasses of good red wine going through the system while enjoying pleasant times with friends...

Led to colourful dreams...

Dreams of losing my daughters - or younger versions of them - in the middle of the international district of a city that was an amalgam of Brisbane, Seattle and Singapore...

Being confused and feeling paralysed because I would have to leave my youngest son to go and find them, something I could not do... people wearing orange (second chakra, creativity, unconditional love) helping look for them...

Dreams of having my youngest son's father suddenly discovering contrition, a conscience and a generous heart of gold, there with his cheque book open as I try to give our child the best start in life possible...

Dreams of my first husband arriving at the door, wanting to put right two wrongs he committed a long time ago, one against his second daughter, and the other against me which has contributed to my less than easy financial status now...

Dreams of being in a canoe with my youngest, rowing/gliding past other boats filled with tense people paddling quite urgently in the other direction...

What do the dreams tell me about what I want and need, deep down?

I want to be near all my children as they settle and perhaps have families of their own... I miss them a lot and I don't want to be separated from them for much longer.   

Taking this journey with my youngest son and his father has taken me away from them... More than that, my own journey to self-actualisation has taken me away from them - something I had to do but which has hurt and confused them in many ways...

I have a need for some kind of natural justice to prevail - for wrongs to be put right and for reconciliation to take place... and I haven't given up hope for that, despite plenty of evidence that it's not likely to happen...

I need to honour and use my own creativity to get myself out of what I sometimes feel is a deep hole that I've dug for myself; there are people there to help if I will just accept that help and my learning in this is about giving and receiving unconditional love to/from myself and others...

And finally, to keep going down my own path, even when everyone is apparently rowing the other way.   It doesn't matter what other people are doing, or what they think about my choices - my soul and my intuition know where we have to go and what's right for us... We need to  continue to lead our own life, going in our own direction on our own time-line...

So what am I really dreaming of, wishing for, in 2011?

• Peace and health of body, mind, heart and spirit
• Love, laughter and joy 
• Sanity in the world
• Strength to stay true to myself
• Personal integrity in those areas where I'm currently not walking my talk
• The resources, personal and material, to parent my son well
• To give what I can of my gifts, time, energy and love to the outside world
• To live in sanctuary near my other children

And as I have written, so it is... 

Blessings Be...

   

For Ellen, Sarah & Callum - Christmas 2010

To Ellen, Sarah and Callum...

Seattle Christmas

 

Brisbane Christmas

We Miss You and We Love You

from Mum and Connor

For Connor - Christmas 2010...

For Connor, when he comes home - one last present...

I Love You, Mr Connor

from Mama...

 

First Things First....

Lots on my mind, lots happening in the world that feels really urgent, time is speeding up, lots to write about... 

Been busy, busy, busy out there, spreading the word and vision about alternative realities and inciting revolt and revolution...

Is that because its my calling, or am I avoiding taking care of my own issues in here?

Physician, heal thyself!   Can't save the world if I'm drowning myself... Gotta get my own house in order first....  

So, I'm Taking the Pledge NOT TO INVOLVE MYSELF WITH PUBLIC EDUCATION OR OTHER SOCIAL JUSTICE ACTIVITIES (except the issuance of media alerts?) until I've finished moving house, gotten my youngster settled into the new school year, caught up with personal admin, planned and marketed some new classes and secured more speaking engagements and 'paid-to-play' projects...

That includes no more activist postings and commentary on other social media, newspapers and blogs (though maybe I will finally write those open letters to Oprah and to Nick Hanauer that've been in my head for about two years now!).

The world will save itself without/in spite of me - yes it will... really!

And I'll be back here in a couple of weeks when the house moving dust settles...

Namaste

(given the exceptions to my own rule that I've already created, how long do you think I'll last???)

Despicable & Grotesque Brainwashing of Our Most Precious Treasure & Resource: War Games Lure Recruits For 'Real Thing'

"A controversial Army Experience Center in a northeast Philadelphia shopping mall will soon close its doors after a two-year pilot program. With regard to its military outreach efforts, the multimillion-dollar facility has declared "mission accomplished," but opponents question the Army's version of reality...

...At the center, teenage boys sit in a row of Army-green recliners facing flat-screen monitors. They square off in video war games like the popular Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. Once visitors register and prove they're 13 years or older, they're given free access to the facility's array of war-themed games...

...John Gallato, 18, and three of his 15-year-old friends sit atop the Army vehicle eagerly waiting for their mission to begin. With a lifelike machine gun in hand, Gallato says experiences like this will help prepare him for the future.

"I'm going to be killing people," he says. "I'm actually joining the Marines and will be doing this in real life."

When they get the green light, the four teens begin maneuvering through virtual war zones and shooting at targets while dodging bullets themselves.

These simulated war experiences have met with strong opposition. Combat veteran Staff Sgt. Jesse Hamilton says the Army has sanitized the horrors of combat.

"The heat, people screaming, blood, flies, horrible smells, smoke in your eyes stinging, sand — the list goes on and on — and they've taken all of that out," he says. "What they've effectively left is what they consider to be the 'fun' part."

Demonstrators have voiced opposition to the Army Experience Center in Philadelphia throughout the two years the pilot program has been operating.

Kathy Leary, of the BuxMont Coalition for Peace Action, says war is not a game. "We've heard kids come out of the Army Experience Center saying, 'They're really showing me what war is really like' — and obviously that's not what war is really like. There's no reset button in war." 

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128875936&sc=fb&cc=fp

As a former military wife of 18 years and the mother of a son currently serving in the New Zealand Army who spent six months in Afghanistan recently, I think I have the right to say this completely sucks... 

We need to be moving towards educating for peace, not brainwashing our young people to prepare them to go and kill in any country's name...

Birthday Revelations: How to Step Out of the Toxic Dance

"There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the people who create pointless drama in your life and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus on the good.    Life is too short to be anything but happy."

Actually, I had the very same thought this morning as I was waking up...

There is a person who will be in my life for a long time (we were the portal/brought a child into the world together) and there is nothing but needless drama in my interactions with this person, drama initiated by his attitudes, choices and actions.

And for many reasons, some to do with my own "story" and some to do with what I thought I understood about our reasons for coming together and walking this path, I thought it was my job to hold the line, enforce boundaries...

And on a psychological level, its been about submission - he not willing to submit to a strong and abusive female, his mother, whom I represent in this dynamic.

And its been a complete energy drain for five years now...

For a long time, I have been asking my version of the Sacred for insight into how to step out of this dance.

And I woke up this morning (great birthday present!) with the determination to just "stop" engaging; put out there what needs to happen with no attachment to, expectation as to the outcome.

There is no win-win in this arena because the mother is dead.   I can't help this man with his woundedness; he's 56 and only he can decide when he's going to finally grow up and stop being a victim/martyr to his past, to his story.

In fighting me at every turn, in attempting to control me, in asserting/exerting his power abusively, he's fighting his mother, hoping one day that in conquering me, he'll conquer her.   The more I engage, the more I feed into and fuel his unfinished, unwinable battle.

So I remove myself, put out there only what really needs to be said/done and refuse to engage...

Let him respond however he chooses (not how I think/feel he ought to respond) and I'll just get on with it - live Life - regardless.

Its his journey, his consequence, his effect, his karma... Its the job of the Sacred now to find the balance... I step out!!!

Wow - what freedom... what a gift... what a way to end my 52nd and start my 53rd year of living!