It's Been A Hard Week...

 

It seems it's my time to break some more old, unhelpful patterns and face up to shortcomings that sabotage my capacity to live a full and abundant life...

“Who ever battles with monsters had better see that it does not turn himself into a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” - Nietzsche

John Henry Fuseli - The Nightmare

I've been fighting (for quite a long time) internal grief about loss in my life - loss of innocence, self, family, roots, connection, belonging, home - and most recently losing the home I created 2.5 years ago for myself and my son. 

I've also been fighting my resistance to change, to acceptance of the reality of our situation, and feeling a sense of despair at what's going on in the outside world and not wanting to participate in that paradigm any longer...

All of which have left me feeling stuck, paralysed, not knowing what to do for the best, nor willing to take any steps forward...

I've been feeling like I've been straddling the abyss... one foot in my old life wanting to hang on to that, the other foot in my new reality knowing that the old patterns will no longer work - not for who I am now or for the world that is coming into being...

But I'm frozen in that place - I can't go back to the old but I'm feeling too scared, that I don't have enough momentum, to jump into the new...

I'm not confident there's a safety net there to catch me, even though inner guidance says there is, that there's nothing to fear, that the fear is False Evidence Appearing Real...

For many of us, the inclination is to resist change until the pain/discomfort of a situation becomes unbearable... 

Well, life has this (nasty) little habit of pushing us into a corner and forcing change, if we won't go there voluntarily.

I've been 'hiding' from the world and from success... I've been spending all my time, energy and focus on social and education activism, working to change things on the outside, hoping to avoid having to change things on the inside.

I know what I've been doing is valuable and has had an impact - people write and phone me from all over, they stop me in the street to thank me for what I'm doing, people across the globe read this blog... 

And for me, the panic, pain, discomfort is around financial shortage... I haven't been getting paid for spending all of this energy and time and my efforts to "save the world" have left us financially impaired... 

There are other factors in that financial equation over which I have no control, but I'm the one who's been making the choices about what I focus on and how I spend my time...

This past week, I finally ran out of wiggle room and now I need to get 'real'  - find/generate/manifest meaningful quantities of income immediately... 

I need to acknowledge my responsibilities to myself and my child, "save" us first, stop waiting for others who owe us energetic and financial debts to "do the right thing" and step up...

I need to acknowledge, own and put right those areas in my life and those relationships where I'm out of financial and energetic integrity with others...

I need to feel the grief I've been avoiding and keep moving forward anyway...

Sometimes all that's needed is the recognition and owning of what's going on for the shift to happen; more often though, what's needed is action in line with the new understanding - and that's the bit I've been avoiding...

But the cost of being an ostrich in this particular situation, is more than 10 times the cost of dealing with some of these issues when they first arose - an expensive (but obviously necessary to get the understanding!) experience...

And I need to soften towards myself in that... 

Healing from the wounds that have brought me to this place inside first takes awareness and then love and time.

We're all doing the best we can with what we've got...

If we could do it any better, we would...