Mars and Venus on Sex

I've been reading and hearing different perspectives on the role of sex in committed relationships and it seems there's a difference in attitude between men and women.

According to what I've read, (some) men feel that women participating in sex with them is an affirmation that she's saying "I love you", and that the absence of sex means she is indifferent.


Some say that by committing to a relationship, especially a marriage, a man has the right to sex on demand - that that is the one benefit a man gains in committing to a monogamous relationship.   


Some even go so far as to say that a woman in a marriage has no right to with-hold sex; that if she does, its part of a power play and she's using sex to control her partner.

I'm going to leave aside the issues of personal, physical and emotional sovereignty and a woman's right to decide where, when and with whom she shares her body - those principles should be a given, especially in a 21st Century world.

  
There's an adage that says that my responsibility for my words and actions ends with the doing and the saying.   How someone perceives them is not anything I can control, is their choice and their responsibility...

So a man's perception that a woman choosing not to engage with them in sex means that she is indifferent (to him and/or the relationship) is just that - his perception, not necessarily her intention or the reality...

In my opinion, women generally don't think that having sex is the primary way of saying 'I love you' and not engaging in sex does not mean she is indifferent.   This  comes back to the 'need sex versus want sex' argument where the two genders apparently also see things from different perspectives...

There are many, many different reasons why a woman might not want to engage in sex with her partner.   And many, many of those reasons don't have anything at all to do with him personally, so why he would take her expression of reluctance personally, I don't know.

Most women pour their expression of love for their mate (and their families if they have one) into doing the things they do for that person - besides usually having a job, running a household (research tells us women still do the majority of housework), cooking anything at all, let alone a more than basic meal, doing laundry, matching socks, ironing shirts, going to see sports games they aren't interested in, running errands, grocery shopping, picking up the dry-cleaning, taking the kids to the doctor, remembering special occasions, organising birthday and holiday get-togethers... 

Women don't necessarily do these things because they 'have to', or because they love doing them - who wants to be an unpaid char lady or PA, after all?    They do them because they are nurturing and caring for their partners and families, trying to make life more liveable for the person(s) they love, maintaining the life that is the arena for/reflection of the relationship.   And yes, men contribute similarly to a shared life. 

My point is that actions speak louder than words and the positive effects of these ongoing actions (if one is conscious and not taking them for granted as one's right or expectation within the 'roles' of the relationship) I would say are more pervasive and enduring than sex.

I know many women who do not feel cherished and validated in the relationship, especially when things have been difficult all day, there is tension, there has been little or no positive emotional connection.   Then their mate comes up to them in the evening and proposes that they have sex, often using the argument that it will help them feel closer, that it will 'feed' the relationship, the 'us'... 

It's still all coming back to it being a case of the male need and the male idea/style of building and maintaining relationship being the one that is set as the standard to be adopted...

I just cant help feeling that this male perspective is a very 'self-centred' one. Maybe that egocentricity is male hard-wiring?   It reminds me a little of my sons when they were around 4 years old - at the developmental stage where everything is still about them, that the world and everything that happens in it is directly related to their existence, and what they want, they want now... and they can't/won't accept willingly, reasons why that is not possible or appropriate...