Rainy Days & Mondays...

Always get me down.... 

Am seriously pissed off...  

Thought it might be only a Monday thing and that there isn't an intimate  Valentine in my life and my other kids are far away... 

But no, woke up this morning and am still "out of sorts"...

Don't want to do my usual and look for the silver lining in the clouds, of which there are plenty, real and metaphorical - clouds I mean, not necessarily silver linings...

It's still raining... which is depressing, considering my Vitamin D levels are chronically low; I do best in a warm sunny climate, or a cold sunny climate and Seattle's a predominantly grey, wet, chilly climate - and so, that sucks...

I'm still in the process of moving; how does a 52 year old woman and a 7 year old child accumulate so much stuff in such a short space of time?   

That was a rhetorical question - I know how and why; subconsciously in creating our first home in Seattle in 2008, I was trying to gather up/recreate all the strands of my earlier life, my former identity, after I chose to abandon it all... but in my earlier life, in my earlier identity, I was the reasonably well-off, middle-class matriarch of a family of five, living the reasonably well-off, middle-class life in New Zealand... 

Times have changed, circumstances have changed, I have changed... but there's still a dissonance between that reality and where I'm at in my head/heart/spirit space...

And now it's taking endless hours, the energy of 6 people, three vehicles and several tanks of gas to pack and move all that 'stuff' from the old house, into storage while the next step on this journey reveals itself...

Two moves in four months, with another move coming sometime in the next 2-5 months... F * * K!   What for all the stuff and what for all the moves?

And with the moving, still all the questions about schooling, moving to Australia, money, work... nothing solid to count on, no-one to pass the responsibility and accountability buck to, all falling on me, myself and I...

A huge test of trust and faith - in myself and in the Divine, that it's all unfolding as it should...

And then there's the stuff that's coming up with the EMDR work I've started - never any fun dredging up old trauma, but when it gets in the way of building a new life, then there's more to lose in not doing it, than in beginning to dig...

And then there's normal mundane small crappy annoyances, like this old, slow computer and unreliable internet connection, taking me three times as long to do what I want/need, taking me away from my child and other things I want to do...

I'm tired...

I'm fed up with worrying about how many trips to school I can make on an 1/8 of a tank of gas; about how to make sure the money that does come in doesn't get swallowed up paying insufficient funds fees; about calculating how many days I have to 'swing it' between bills due and money coming in to pay part of them; about not freaking when more and more things need time, attention, energy and money to fix or keep working or to replace; about how much longer people will give us what we need, trusting me to pay what I owe over time...

And it's really, really weird to hear myself laughing about this if I tell people what's really going on...

On the one hand, this is no laughing matter; on the other, there is nothing left for me to do but laugh... crying won't change it, ranting and raving won't fix it, self-pity is useless - I created this situation, so there's no one else to blame and sitting down and giving up is not an option with a youngster to protect and nurture...

So I laugh...

Crazy...

And fed up with all the doom and gloom...

 

People must be sick of my postings and re-postings about the crap going on in the world... 

I know I am...

But it feels like I see nothing much changing, so people still aren't listening, seeing...  if they do hear and see, how come they don't then do?

None of this information is hard to find - it's right there in front of us...

How come people haven't noticed, don't know this stuff, haven't figured it out for themselves?

There's all this jubilation about the so-called "revolution" in Egypt... what revolution?   Mubarak is gone, but the military is in power and is pushing back, bullying journalists and the people... what has changed?

I keep trying to stop passing on the information that comes my way, but then I get sucked back in by some warped sense of responsibility... this has to be done, someone has to 'witness'... damn!

Feel a bit like Noah, who tried to warn people, was ignored, and then just had to concentrate on doing his best for his family, those who would listen and the animals.... you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink... personal responsibility comes into this... there are none so blind as those who will not see...

 

Wish this human world would just hurry up and finish self-destructing so that those of us who are left can rebuild something better...

And if there's nothing left, so what?   Gaia existed for eons without us and will do so quite well again...

And for those who think the human spirit is something special that would be an enormous loss if we went extinct,  I don't agree.

Energy cannot be created or destroyed.   That energy which now is manifested as human, will re-emerge in creation somewhere else, in some other form... nothing is ever lost - it's only transformed, transmuted...

For myself, I'm about ready to stop talking about the problems, and to concentrate on BUILDING something new for myself and my son and our community... 

Not sure what I'm going to be doing, where or with whom, but I do know it's time to change focus... 

I'm noticing other people/groups out there concentrating on creating other possible futures; I need to find out more and see if that's a path for me...