...I'd say (today) that "Life's A Bitch"!
and that's because, while it's Friday and I usually love Fridays, I've got a bad case of the blues...
Maybe it's perimenopause clashing with pre-menstrual tension over the past few days, with a period finally starting today (three months since the last one - too much information???!)...
Maybe it's the state of the world as it presents itself to me through the lens of the web...
Maybe it's overwhelm at having to adjust to more change, yet again...
Maybe it's fear that I don't yet know how this next change is going to unfold...
Maybe it's because I have conflicting feelings about what I want and where I want to be, and I haven't figured out how to resolve that - no clear path has presented itself yet that would allow the maximum amount of happiness, with the minimum amount of effort, for us all...
Maybe it's the internal critic that's mad at me for creating some of my own problems, and then being so slow to implement solutions that are, in themselves, not difficult...
Maybe it's because I want to forgive my son's father and let go of the past AND I'm still angry and blaming him...
Maybe it's because I'd love to go back to bed with a good book and pretend I have no responsibilities and that life will take care of itself and my child while I read and sleep...
Maybe it's because I'd love to go back to bed with a good book and pretend I have no responsibilities and that life will take care of itself and my child while I read and sleep...
Maybe it's because I'm stuck in a psychological Catch-22 - mad at myself that I won't give myself permission to go back to bed with a book, because that would mean wasting more time, with the mess getting bigger... And at the same time, knowing pretty much for certain that I won't deal with much of what needs dealing with today anyway!
Maybe it's because there's not enough sweetness in my life, and I ate the last bit of chocolate yesterday!
Maybe it's because I don't know if my friends' baby boy has arrived safely in the world - no word since yesterday afternoon...
Maybe it's because the frogs' bowl needs cleaning out...
Maybe it's because our temporary laundry-bedroom is filled with mess and storage boxes that are waiting for me to deal with the "junk in the trunk" of my van... paperwork that needs sorting, filing, shredding... an energy drain that I would rather just dump because most of it has absolutely no relevance for me any more, to the NOW... and all I want to do is live in the NOW... but the 'system', 'society' says we can't just live in the NOW... that the past and future are important... but the past and future DON'T EXIST...
Maybe it's because every day here now, I can feel that our being here is an issue for one member of the household, and the sooner we leave the sooner that person's peace of mind will be restored... so there's pressure to leave, conflicting with internal resistance at yet another change, and the pressure of not feeling 'ready'...
Maybe it's because I'm feeling pressure to get rid of all of our stuff in storage - in some ways, more "junk in the trunk" and an energy and financial drain... and yet I am hanging on to it...
Maybe it's because it's a week or so until school starts, and I don't yet know if or what school I shall send my son to, or whether I can/will follow through with the idea of unschooling him...
Maybe it's because if I do send him to school, he'll need a ridiculously large amount of "school supplies" that will take time, energy and money to acquire, most of which won't really help him "learn" anyway...
Maybe it's the weight of worrying about whether I'm putting in enough time and energy and attention into raising/being present with my child... maybe I should spend the energy I put into social change activities and helping other people into our own/his life...
Maybe it's a combination of happiness, jealousy and envy that one of my friends has just divested herself of most of her belongings and flown off into the sunset for a new adventure; maybe it's worry for her that when I did the same 7.5 years ago, the adventure proved to be the most difficult journey of my life, to date...
Maybe it's because I feel I need a haircut, but am torn between getting it cut or persevering with growing it longer, and with going back to colour it despite the time, effort and money that would go into keeping that up... GREY is sexy - LIFE is GREY, after all, not black or white, or blue, or brown, or red, or yellow, or green!
Maybe it's because a 5-year old yesterday asked me why I was fat; I told him people come in all shapes and sizes, and I am short and round... He said it was OK, not to worry because I was only medium fat - that a whale was fatter than me!
Maybe, maybe, maybe it's none of these and/also/or a myriad of other things...
Maybe it just is...
PS: and in this very moment of now, my son and I are warm, dry, fed, clothed, clean, housed and in the company of loving human beings... LIFE IS GOOD...
PPS: 11 April 2012... Peri-menopause still sucks!
It's a Wednesday, not a Friday, AND I'm in the same space pretty much as in this post...
same scenario, different geographic location...
the baby arrived safe and sound...
friend had her adventure in the sun (minus a happy ending) and is on her way back to Seattle...
van still full...
boy not in school...
waiting for judge's decision as to whether I can take boy back to Australia...
AND we are never in the same space...
we are journeying up a spiral...
I am not the same person I was when I wrote this post...
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment