OK Life, Universe, the Meaning of It All...
TODAY, before 5pm, would be a good time for the next step to show up...
Man of the house has just reminded me that today's the day we agreed boy and I would leave by, and said that if I didn't follow through by 5pm, there will be an "ugly scene" and "consequences"...
$$$$$ and next shelter required NOW...
I know there are millions in the same or worse boats AND...
AND I will not cry and panic in front of the boy...
Change of scenery will be good and distance is the great refresher...
Where is that 'change-of-scene' place and how to get there by 5pm today?
$3.00 in the bank, boy, 2 cats, two van-fulls worth of stuff, no gas in the van...
My brain so fried.... stay out of victim mode.... stay open for/to what's coming...
AND I'm not angry at him...
We have had a long time here and he and his wife have been very generous and accepting...
AND he and she have their own dance to work out in this...
AND we did have an agreement...
AND I have been making choices/holding out for something he has a judgement about, in that he thinks beggars ought not to be choosers...
AND and I see and accept that from him, seeing it's his (and his wife's) energy that has sheltered and fed us...
AND I HAVE contributed to the household (sharing what I have had in cash/food AND mostly in ways he doesn't recognise and value)...
AND he has a son he can't influence to make better choices...
AND he can't/won't put the hard word on his son's friend's who have crashed here long term...
AND he's worried about his job security and his wife changing jobs...
AND they have their own money worries...
AND I have been dragging my feet in dealing with having to take the next step - fear, overwhelm, confusion, burn-out, inner-child fear, hurt, anger and stubbornness, wanting to hide, wanting to be rescued...
AND this is wrapped up in my stuff around getting boy's father to honour and respect me and to show that by supporting me in raising the boy, to stop playing the power-and-control with-holding money and resources game...
AND he doesn't/won't realise that he's hurting his own son in this...
AND this must be what my mother faced/felt as she slowly killed herself through overwork walking this path, raising my sister and me through our teenage years without our father meeting any of his parental obligations, taking whatever low-paid menial work she could get to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs...
AND she died when she was 60, sick and sore, still working her arse off to pay a mortgage on a tiny home that reminded her of the houses in Holland...
AND I'm almost 54 and have turned my back on realities (relationships, life paths) in which I/we had secure housing and our physical needs met...
AND boy's father hasn't healed from his relationship with his (now dead) abusive mother...
... just as my father never healed from his relationship with his abusive mother...
... ... just as the husband in this house hasn't healed from his dysfunctional relationship with his mother...
... ... ... just as the boy's father's lawyer hasn't healed from his dysfunctional relationship with his mother - he barked at me in court that "you're just like my mother"...
AND, AND, AND...
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and boy is wandering around saying he's bored (he's not, he's scared and needs my attention), and then he makes himself scarce so that he's not adding to the load...
ReplyDeleteand teenage boys in this house are high and playing music at supersonic levels just outside the back door, and my brain can't think what to do next...
should I pack us up (we've been living out of two suitcases) ready for 5pm...
should I figure out where to dump all the stuff that is in the van, so we can sleep in it tonight?
should I just do the day as 'normal'?
who is there to ring, what resources haven't I already tapped out?
FUCK IT ALL!
and there are millions, billions of people in similar or worse situations...
OK - what will be will be....
ReplyDeleteBeen on the phone/online all morning, spreading the word, hunting, hunting, hunting...
sent out an urgent call to Vashon people; shelters here and in Seattle are full; we're 4th on the wait-list for permanent housing on the island; have left messages with as many agencies as I've been guided/referred to...
done all I can...
the rest is in the hands of the universe...
a better situation will appear...
AND Shawn could reconsider...
AND we can sleep in the van if we must...
we, but not the cats, are going to stay at the house of someone who is house-sitting elsewhere on the island for 10 days...
ReplyDeleteman of this house rang me at 1.00pm to repeat his ultimatum...
he became abusive and shouted at me because I wouldn't commit to moving to an (old, small) trailer place, whose owner didn't want us to bring the cats, because her cat attacks others...
he threatened to call Child Protective Services because "you're choosing your cats over your child's welfare" (the cat's ARE part of my child's well being - they and his teddy bear are the only stable elements in his life)...
turns out, on thinking about it, woman with the trailer thinks it's too small for me and boy and won't rent it to us anyway...
so - we shall go to yet another transitional space and I shall find some other options for the cats - I cant interact with a man who's threatened to call CPS on me for no good reason...
Have you contacted Vashon Youth and Family Services? They can help you find housing and anything else you need. I know many of the people who work there, one of them is my dad, and they're all good people. Good luck!
ReplyDeletethank you - yes I have, and they have been very helpful as far as they have been able... there's just not a lot of affordable housing around right now, and it's the same in Seattle... I have a friend who will likely be losing her relatively inexpensive housing in a month or two and there is nothing else out there she can afford, since she's been reduced to part-time/casual work...
ReplyDeleteThere's an amazing graph doing the social media rounds, showing how many hours of minimum wage work people have to do around the country, to afford a market-rate 2-bedroom apartment, and in Washington state, it's 80 hours per week...
US Nobel Prize-winning economist, Paul Krugman, this week, finally used the word DEPRESSION to describe the economic reality existing in this country and in parts of Europe.... there is something really wrong, structurally, in the world and it's another reason why revolution is desirable and inevitable...
The oligarchs really are quite stupid in their greed... if they only were willing to leave a few more crumbs on the table for the rest of us, they wouldn't be facing the popular backlash that has been birthed and will continue to grow until it is a fully-fledged revolt...